Bucky Barnes (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
imfollowinghim) wrote2014-09-09 07:50 pm
imfollowinghim) wrote2014-09-09 07:50 pm
eighteen ✪ voice & spam
[Hello, Barge. Did you think you were done with coma announcements today?
You were wrong.]
Helena's in a coma. [Which explains why she wasn't at Basic this morning, at least. Bucky had checked on her right after and found her sleeping in her room, so now here we are.]
I'm not bringing her to the infirmary, but I'll keep an eye on her until she wakes up.
[He lets out a tired sigh, and though you can't see it, he's definitely running his hands through his hair, digging his fingernails into his scalp.]
Are we missing anyone else?
[Open Spam]
[This has not been a good week.
Of course, it's not really the worst week he's ever had, so he sort of feels stupid for being irritated by it. This could be worse. This could be a lot worse, but it's still hard to get excited about yelling at people in the pouring rain in the CES while they run up and down a hill at five in the morning when you've gotten maybe an hour or two of sleep the night before, especially when you know you don't have to.
He's not at war anymore. He knows that.
But his nightmares are getting worse, not better. Instead of the familiar blend of memories and horrible possibilities, he wakes up feeling terrified beyond belief, and with no memory as to why. It's bad enough some nights that he spends the rest of it awake and miserable in his own room so he's not keeping Steve up (even though he knows his friend probably isn't sleeping), and sometimes, he's been in the CES running for hours before his "recruits" are up and out of bed.
And he feels cold all the time, even huddled in his Commandos jacket and one of the flannel shirts Stiles got him, plus a t-shirt, no matter where he is on the Barge.
Maybe he's just getting sick.
Whatever's happening, he does his best to just ignore it. If he focuses on the task at hand, he can get through this the way he's gotten through everything, even though on Monday, he calls Lydia Oswalt (a kid who'd been killed by shrapnel not ten minutes after they'd gotten off the landing craft in Anzio) when he's yelling at her to keep up, and then he can't remember the name of a movie he's seen sixteen times on Tuesday, and he has an entire conversation with Mason before realizing wait, he's not Dernier.
They're caught out in a thunderstorm during Basic on Wednesday, and when lightning strikes a little too close to where they are, for a good ten seconds, he's back in Italy, because that's not lightning, it's a shell, and if they don't take cover, they're all getting blown to hell.
Bucky realizes where he is and who he's with moments later, and it leaves him shaky and uncomfortable, so the session gets cut short, and he hauls himself back to Steve's room to borrow his shower, since the water actually stays one temperature.
He's distant and strange for most of the rest of the day, and while he doesn't try to avoid anyone who was there this morning, he doesn't make an effort to seek them out, either.]
[ooc: Bucky's door to the bridge related symptoms are starting to rear their head more noticeably. Right now, he's mostly having night terrors and suffering from general confusion, which means he's often starting to look like he's having something similar to a bad PTSD flashback or just suffering from memory loss, so consider this a blanket warning for something that might come up in his threads. Feel free to encounter him whenever, whenever, and old/new cr, multiples and fuzzy time are all appreciated. c:]
You were wrong.]
Helena's in a coma. [Which explains why she wasn't at Basic this morning, at least. Bucky had checked on her right after and found her sleeping in her room, so now here we are.]
I'm not bringing her to the infirmary, but I'll keep an eye on her until she wakes up.
[He lets out a tired sigh, and though you can't see it, he's definitely running his hands through his hair, digging his fingernails into his scalp.]
Are we missing anyone else?
[Open Spam]
[This has not been a good week.
Of course, it's not really the worst week he's ever had, so he sort of feels stupid for being irritated by it. This could be worse. This could be a lot worse, but it's still hard to get excited about yelling at people in the pouring rain in the CES while they run up and down a hill at five in the morning when you've gotten maybe an hour or two of sleep the night before, especially when you know you don't have to.
He's not at war anymore. He knows that.
But his nightmares are getting worse, not better. Instead of the familiar blend of memories and horrible possibilities, he wakes up feeling terrified beyond belief, and with no memory as to why. It's bad enough some nights that he spends the rest of it awake and miserable in his own room so he's not keeping Steve up (even though he knows his friend probably isn't sleeping), and sometimes, he's been in the CES running for hours before his "recruits" are up and out of bed.
And he feels cold all the time, even huddled in his Commandos jacket and one of the flannel shirts Stiles got him, plus a t-shirt, no matter where he is on the Barge.
Maybe he's just getting sick.
Whatever's happening, he does his best to just ignore it. If he focuses on the task at hand, he can get through this the way he's gotten through everything, even though on Monday, he calls Lydia Oswalt (a kid who'd been killed by shrapnel not ten minutes after they'd gotten off the landing craft in Anzio) when he's yelling at her to keep up, and then he can't remember the name of a movie he's seen sixteen times on Tuesday, and he has an entire conversation with Mason before realizing wait, he's not Dernier.
They're caught out in a thunderstorm during Basic on Wednesday, and when lightning strikes a little too close to where they are, for a good ten seconds, he's back in Italy, because that's not lightning, it's a shell, and if they don't take cover, they're all getting blown to hell.
Bucky realizes where he is and who he's with moments later, and it leaves him shaky and uncomfortable, so the session gets cut short, and he hauls himself back to Steve's room to borrow his shower, since the water actually stays one temperature.
He's distant and strange for most of the rest of the day, and while he doesn't try to avoid anyone who was there this morning, he doesn't make an effort to seek them out, either.]
[ooc: Bucky's door to the bridge related symptoms are starting to rear their head more noticeably. Right now, he's mostly having night terrors and suffering from general confusion, which means he's often starting to look like he's having something similar to a bad PTSD flashback or just suffering from memory loss, so consider this a blanket warning for something that might come up in his threads. Feel free to encounter him whenever, whenever, and old/new cr, multiples and fuzzy time are all appreciated. c:]
[spam]
Gosh, you sure know how to stroke a guy's ego. [Definitely pot and kettle and all that, and the look he's leveling at you now should say that much, pal.
But he shrugs, because all he's really got to say to that is,] Did you ever sleep much when I wasn't feeling my best?
[He knows the answer is no. So how can you expect him to be one hundred percent when you aren't, either?
Even if he knows that if he looks bad... it's because he feels a hundred times worse. But it's mostly just exhaustion and worry. Two things he's shouldered for a long time, and he can keep right on shouldering them. He plans to.]
But don't you dare go feeling bad about it, stupid, because it's my choice. [His choice to worry about you, and he's going to, no matter what.
He blinks at the question - and realizes how what he'd said sounded, ends up shaking his head a little.] No - not really. I mean... [He gives this small, wry smile; yeah, actually, for a while, at first, he did worry something would go wrong. Can you blame him?
But not anymore.
The fact that he mostly - finally - sees the person staring back at him in the mirror as himself helps, though. When you spend twenty-five years in one body, it's hard to get used to another, even when it's actually the same one. It really didn't feel that way, at first, and even four years feels like barely enough time to acclimate.]
I just meant, I'm fine - because come on, you'd still worry about me getting the flu if you could convince yourself it'd happen. [Mom.]
And I still have the same responsibility I ever had. [The day Erskine gave him this gift - because that's still what he considers it, in a lot of ways - was the day he knew he'd have to use it for the rest of his life, to do everything he'd always wanted to do. To protect the people who didn't have the strength to do it themselves.
It's at least part of the reason why he works all the time.]
[spam]
Or whatever normal illness his immune system just couldn't handle, and Bucky's so unbelievably grateful that helpless anger he used to feel in the face of Steve's near constant illness growing up is something he'd never going to have to deal with again. What Steve's had because of the serum he's deserved his whole life, not that anyone really deserves being basically crippled by their immune system, or anything else.
So the answer does settle him down a little, smooths over the temporary worry like it never even happened - the serum's still working, Steve's not going to suddenly shrink right back down outside of some flood.
And he still has the same responsibility he ever has.
Bucky chuckles, somewhere between affectionate and disbelieving.]
You're unreal, Steve Rogers.
[spam]
But he knows that Bucky's not the only one he's got a responsibility toward. Especially not here. Even if Bucky maybe takes precedence, because frankly, Bucky's the reason he's here.
Of course, Steve just grins a little - and rolls his eyes, settling back a little more comfortably on the couch.] Oh come on. You're just as bad, you know.
[He's okay if things don't get serious, here, but he still means it. Bucky looks out for him, and he's looking out for a lot of people on this Barge, because that's just what Bucky does. Who he is. And Steve doesn't expect that to change, either - wouldn't ask him to. Although he could maybe use a break, given everything.
But Steve knows better than to outright suggest it.]