imfollowinghim | thirteen ✪ voice & spam

Entry tags:

thirteen ✪ voice & spam

[Bucky sounds somewhere between pissed off and totally burnt out and hollow when he clicks on the comm, because boy, does he have an announcement for you.]

Helena just killed Cosima Niehaus. She jumped her in an empty cabin, she knows her from back home. Sort of.

[It's a little confusing and definitely private, so Bucky doesn't feel like getting into it on a public feed like this.]

I'm bringing Cosima to the infirmary, and I'm not putting Helena in Zero, [Because he's been down there and he's not sure how he feels about it - had he stuck Ben in there? He thinks maybe he did, and it makes him feel a little sick to his stomach - especially given Helena's been locked up before and he doesn't want her thinking this is like that.] But she's on house arrest in her room until I figure out how to get her to cut this shit out.

[Private to Ben]

Can I pick your brain about something?

[Three guesses what it's about.]

[Open Spam]

[After Bucky's brought Cosima to the infirmary and made sure Helena's still in her room, he knows he needs some space. He can't go right into talking to Helena while he's somewhere between furious and emotionally flatlining, because he's mad, but he knows this isn't entirely her fault, and he doesn't know what to do with it, or how to move forward.

Funny, but he thinks he remembers something like this happening forever ago. That might have been part of the reason he'd bothered Ben.

He's pissed. At himself, mostly, so it's easy to head down to the gym, pull off his uniform jacket, wrap his hands and start focusing on beating the shit out of a punching bag instead of thinking about anything else. He'd learned how to box young - his dad had taught him some, and then he'd learned more as he'd got older, partly out of necessity (he could earn money for winning fights, and it never hurt to know how to throw a mean punch when your best friend was hell bent on taking on every bully in New York, let alone Brooklyn) and partly because he'd just been good at it.

So he attacks the bag like he knows what he's doing, because he does, and there's something almost mechanical and vicious about it, not to mention the look on his face. The bag's not in danger of getting ripped out of the ceiling, but it still swings forcefully, maybe even a little more than it probably should.

After a while, he heads back to his room to hose himself off, and hits up the dining hall. He's changed into his Commandos jacket, and slips a couple things into his jacket pockets - an apple, a roll wrapped in a paper napkin - before heading on his way. He doesn't really have time to sit and eat enough lunch for two people today.

Because he does, after all, have two other stops he needs to make:]

[Spam for Helena]

[Once he's calmed down enough to do this the right way, instead of just scowling at her and hoping that did something marginally productive, Bucky heads back to Helena's room. It's part of the reason he'd stopped by the dining hall first, besides just being hungry - maybe the food can act as some kind of peace offering for sticking her in here in the first place.

Even if the reason it'd happened was because she killed someone.

He takes a breath before knocking on the door, just to give her a head's up someone's outside.]

It's Bucky. I'm coming in. [And then he's pushing open the door, not entirely certain of what he's stepping into.]

[Spam for Cosima]

[And after that's done, it's time for the harder part of this messy little operation: apologizing to the person your inmate attacked and killed within like, a couple hours of them showing up here in the first place.

This is made worse by the fact that it doesn't seem like she's awake when he first gets there, which means he's just. Going to awkwardly loiter around trying not to look too out of place or uncomfortable just waiting around here for signs of life or movement. Maybe he should've waited a while longer - he remembers the death toll and how bad it sucks - but he kind of feels like this shouldn't wait, even if it's just a short visit. It's not like either one of them's going anywhere for a while, although she's a little more stuck than he is.

So, hi. There's a stranger sort of awkwardly hanging around your hospital bed, wearing a uniform that might not look entirely unfamiliar to you.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Well damn.

He wants to help, but he's got no idea how. And he doesn't want to undermine Bucky's authority here, anyway. So he settles for,] If you need a hand, you know where I am.

Like I'd forget. [That, at least, sounds a tiny bit closer to normal. Maybe even a little wry.]

I'm not gonna say no to company if you wanna help watch her door with me.

[Which is not unwelcome. Not in the least.

Neither is the offer, because Steve would be sitting in his cabin vibrating with the need to help, otherwise.] You got it. [Guard duty he can do. Hell, company he can do. ] Need anything, while I'm on the way?

[That's probably at least partially why he offered, lbr.]

Nah. [He's already got a chair, and his jacket pockets have at least a couple Power Bars ~~and maybe a chocolate bar he might have gotten used to them~~ stuffed into them, so. He's more or less set.]

You might wanna bring a chair.

[Well, Steve's not one to look gift horses in mouths.

Not today, anyway.] Yessir.

[And you know he'll be down there within minutes, chair in tow. He doesn't have anything to eat, but he can get up and get something for them both if he needs to. He is in his uniform with the shield, because while he doesn't expect trouble, and he's following Bucky's lead on this one, he's not going to be caught unprepared.

He figures whichever side of the hall Bucky's on, he'll take the opposite side. Doesn't hurt to have a pair of eyes facing both directions.]

[Bucky manages a smile that doesn't look completely strained when he spots Steve, and it doesn't really occur to him that they probably look a little ridiculous sitting here in the hallway wearing uniforms that make them look more like superheroes than regular soldiers. That's the new normal, and has been for a while now.]

"Yessir"? [He even sounds genuinely amused, because hey, did you forget?]

Pretty sure you still outrank me, Cap. Unless they decided I deserved some extra promotion for getting my dumb ass killed.

[... Oh oops, should he not be joking about that? He definitely looks like he just realized he's not sure if it's okay to joke about that. God, he's an ass.]

[Despite the fact that Steve will always be adamant that he is not a superhero or superhuman... he'll definitely admit that they're not regular soldiers. In a way, it's not surprising. Nothing about their lives has ever been regular, right?

And hey, look. Steve manages to not look completely devastated at your joke - progress! ~~Or maybe it's the fact that he knows you're not really dead. Who knows.~~ He manages a wry smile that's only just a little unsure around the edges.]

Oh, I do. But this is your operation. You're in charge. [Okay, it's not much of an "operation," at all, but Bucky's still in charge.] What happened? [Not that he's going to press, if you don't want to say. But he doesn't know much about Helena. He doesn't know why she'd do this, to this person specifically, and he doesn't know if Bucky does, either. But finding that out is going to be the first step in dealing with this, he figures.]

[If there's anyone Bucky's willing to share pretty much everything with? It's Steve. It's always been Steve, and for stuff like this? It's pretty much safer to assume that Steve either already knows, or is going to know a lot of it by the time this is done. Bouncing ideas off each other is just another thing that's second nature by now, so there's hardly even a beat of hesitation before he tries to start explaining.

Really, the only reason there's a break at all is because he needs to figure out what to say, and his expression shutters off into a serious, pensive, maybe slightly hollow look Steve's probably still all too familiar with. It's the look of Bucky After HYDRA and Bucky During The War, not exactly the kid Steve had grown up with.]

Helena's a clone. I don't really get all the science behind it, [He's not Howard, and a lot of this is a couple decades beyond what he's familiar with, even including HYDRA and super soldiers and shit like that.] But basically there're a lot of people who look like her where she's from, and these whackjobs trained her to kill the rest of them.

[Which is just a small fraction of it, but he's not sure he's ready to actually talk about what's in her file involving that. Which could be a problem, honestly, but he'll cross that bridge when he comes to it.]

I guess she saw Cosima's post on the network, waited to see her walking down the hallway and jumped her. I found her strangling her in one of the empty cabins. By the time I got there, wasn't really anything I could do.

[He knows logically that it isn't his fault. He knows. But it's still hard to]

Edited 2014-07-17 00:31 (UTC)

[Steve doesn't mind being a sounding board - Lord knows he's needed one often enough, and Bucky was the first person he'd always sought out, before and after the serum. Bucky starts talking, and Steve stretches his legs out a little - yeah, he's blocking the hallway, but it's not exactly a bustling thoroughfare. Besides, he may look relaxed, but he can be up on his feet in a fraction of a second, if he has to be.

He knows what clones are - but only the basics. He's not a scientist, either, so he never looked into the how, but at least it's not a completely foreign concept.

And he's definitely not unfamiliar with "whackjobs" who train people to kill first and ask questions never. He frowns, mostly just processing.] That's tough. There's doing something because you have to do it… and there's doing something because somebody's made you do it.

[It hits pretty close to home, really - and it just reminds him that he has no idea how to fix things when he gets back. If he's watching Bucky a little while he processes - well, that's not unusual or weird, really, is it?

Although before he deals with a solution, he'll deal with the first thing that comes to mind, which is:] It wasn't your fault.

[Whether you believe him or not. It's still true.]

Or because you want to. [Which has always felt like the biggest difference to him. Maybe it was a tiny bit harder killing Germans, at least at first, because he knew there had to be some guys out there who didn't like Hitler or didn't want to be there, but HYDRA? Yeah, they all wanted this, and so he hadn't wasted time feeling sorry.] I can't get her to explain if she actually does, or if she just feels like she has to.

[Bucky sighs and tips his head back to thunk gently against the wall, because there's a third option that's kind of just incredibly fucking depressing to consider, even though it's probably true.]

Maybe she doesn't know.

[If he notices the extra close attention - and he does, sort of, even though he's a little distracted by everything else - he attributes it to what they're talking about, or the thing that comes next because, well. Yeah.]

I know. [He does, and he doesn't. No, there wasn't anything else he could do. He knows. He's lucky he got there at all, really, but it's still hard not to feel something in the wake of that.

The numbness that's settled in is familiar, and maybe not as concerning as it used to be. Which should probably be concerning in and of itself.]

[That's the problem with killing. It gets easier, the more you do it, even when it's necessary.] Or because you want to, [he echoes, nodding a little. That sounds like maybe the root of the problem, right there - determining whether Helena truly wants to do this, or whether she's only been programmed to believe she does.

And determining whether there's truly a difference. He believes - knows - there must be. But he also knows how convoluted it can get, trying to find that answer. It's why he has no solution to the biggest thing weighing on his mind back home. It's why he's here.

It's almost ironic.]

Maybe she doesn't. Maybe that's what this is about - getting her to figure that out. [Steve shrugs a little. Bucky's been here longer than he has, and he's got more experience. This is his thing to solve, although like hell Steve's just going to let him flounder, if he can help.

He's also here to remind you, when you need it, that you're doing the right thing. Because he absolutely believes that. Bucky's heart is always in the right place.] Well. Just in case you needed reminding. [Because he knows Bucky would be the first in line to remind him it wasn't his fault, if something like this had happened. Even if maybe - definitely - he wouldn't be convinced.] I guess the important thing now - right now - is damage control. Make sure it doesn't happen again. Work from there. [Because just plain punishment isn't going to work, in a case like this. They both know that.]

Yeah, I'm sure as hell not letting her murder Cosima every time she tries to get out of the infirmary. [Whichhh hopefully won't be a problem? He hopes?]

She didn't seem happy about it, after it happened. I don't think she really regrets it, either, but she didn't try to argue about getting punished or pretend like she didn't get why I was pissed. [] I don't know if that's enough to stop her from trying again, but at least it's better than it could have been. I guess.

[Better than her cackling about how she's glad she did it or something.

But anyway, more concretely, maybe there is sort of a way to help fix this. Bucky's just not sure it's necessarily a safe idea, if the risks outweigh the benefits, if it'll even work, but. He's kind of willing to try almost anything, at this point.]

Cosima said she was better when she last heard about her. I guess she's, you know, kind of like how you're ahead of me, but we're from the same place? [Which admittedly probably has to do with him being dead, but regardless.] She said she knows Helena can graduate, and she wants to talk to her sometime. Obviously I'm not just letting her meet one on one with someone who just killed her, but maybe it'll help if she starts realizing these other clones aren't just, I don't know. Things. They're people, too.

[And while he's pretty sure he's going through with this regardless - it's not like he's ever needed Steve's approval for anything - he does look over at him, silently prompting him to tell him what he thinks about it.] Once she's better, I think I'm gonna try to figure out a time for them to talk.

I never said you were - because that's definitely a bad plan, [Steve says, with the tiniest hint of a teasing smile, just because he knows that's so far off the table that it's not even a consideration. Obviously.] But if you think that's a problem… we can do something about it. [He's not above pulling guard detail, and he's pretty sure the other wardens would help out, too. Helena is Bucky's responsibility, sure, but he's not alone.

He considers that a moment.] So she might at least know it's wrong. Which is still a start. [It's better than not believing killing is wrong at all. Not showing remorse is one thing, but not understanding the difference between right and wrong on any fundamental level is a much bigger problem.

He nods, though - hearing that Cosima has faith Helena can graduate is a good thing - and he thinks it's a good thing for Bucky to hear, too. Although,] We just need to make sure that Cosima doesn't… confuse the two. Treat Helena like she's someone that she's not - yet. [Because he kind of understands that problem, a little, too. When you know what someone is capable of becoming, you can confuse who they are with who they can become. And that can be dangerous. He's not denying that.

But,] Letting them talk might be a good start. [He does agree with that, actually - one hundred percent. Not alone, no - and he's there in a heartbeat if Bucky wants someone else in the room or just outside the door.] Even if she's not there yet… hearing where she can be might help Helena. [And it might help reinforce for Cosima that she's not there yet, too.

He suddenly feels like Cosima's sort of got the same problem he has, back home. He doesn't know if it's quite as extreme, of course, but… Maybe it is. Bucky didn't kill him, but he could have. Steve would have let him. He understands facing down someone who's not who you expect them to be, knowing they can fix it but not knowing how to help… God. It's hard. Maybe he should talk to her.

Although he figures he's been silent far too long, and he'd better say something.] I don't know much about the death toll. It takes… what, a week, to feel really normal again? I think maybe giving them both at least that much time is probably for the better. [Giving all of them, including Bucky, at least that much time would be good.]

About a week, yeah. [Which he sounds pretty certain about, even if he's still pretty sure he's keeping the story about how he got fatally stabbed trying to break Ben out of an alien prison to himself until he can't anymore. He's kept a lot of stuff like that from Steve, even though he sort of doesn't want to. It's lousy, keeping stuff from your best friend.

Bucky reaches into his jacket pocket, pulls out a piece of gum, strips off the wrapper and starts chewing, looking distant and distracted while he tries to mull it all over.

It's not that he doesn't think they have a shot at this, or that he's totally in over his head, but it's hard, having someone's emotional well being in your hands like this. He's good at fighting, and he's good at telling someone they're an idiot, and he's good at looking after people who're too dumb and stubborn to do it themselves, but there are so many balls to keep in the air here that it's tough to see what the best outcome is, here.

Steve's on board, at least. Not that he'd doubted he would be, but it's still good to have that, to be a team again.]

She's- Cosima - really sick, too. Not just from the death toll. Got an oxygen tank and everything.

[It had made talking with her kind of hard, if he's really being honest. It's hard being around sickness like that, and it's not like he'd ever wanted to run from Steve or his mom when she'd gotten sick, but it's hard to know that's a problem he really can't fix just by being here, or punching some bully in the face. It always has been.]

I didn't ask too much. She kinda didn't seem like she wanted to talk about it.

[Which he says in a tone of voice that clearly communicates that he understands why, and that he's not going to push at all, because obviously he knows.]

[Steve just nods - he doesn't ask why or how Bucky knows that, he just assumes it's because Bucky's been here longer. Why else? He's probably seen people die, or known them, and this is just Steve's first time around the block, seeing it happen. He's trying to get used to the idea, and he will, with just a little time. He's gotten used to a lot, even just being here. And a lot more, back home. So this will be the same.

He does nod a little, though - he's talked to her over video, he saw it. He didn't ask. He didn't figure it was his place. And he'd always hated when people had given him that look, like they pitied him. Like they thought something was wrong with him. Bucky had always just looked at him and saw Steve Rogers. So he tries to do the same for others. She was just Cosima. Not an oxygen tank.

But even he knows it's not easy.] She probably appreciated that. Do you think she'd mind visitors? I mean, if she's up to it - I figured I might stop by. Just to see how she's doing. [He knows what it's like to be stuck in bed. He was thinking he could bring her something to do, if she'd be up to it. Maybe just talk.] Helena's fine though, right? I mean - she was never like that? [Then again, since they don't know why Cosima's sick, it could have nothing to do with being a clone.]

["Did you?" is his first thought in response to Steve's first question, but he doesn't say it. Neither one of them actually likes to spend a lot of time thinking about that part of their lives, because Steve being sick - really sick - had been scary and frustrating and miserable, even if they'd both pretended like this was just some temporary thing he was totally going to bounce back from. (Except for a couple of times.)

So he shrugs a little instead.]

She'd probably be okay with it. It's kind of lonely up there. [And she'd seemed friendly enough, and in relatively good spirits for someone who'd just died when Bucky went to talk to her. It'd be hard enough being up there if this had happened after she'd been here for months, but being new and a stranger to most of the people on board definitely is one of the worst possible combinations here.

Steve's second question makes Bucky's brow furrow slightly before he shakes his head.]

I don't think so. If she was, her file didn't mention it, and she doesn't seem sick. [Perfectly healthy, really, if really fucking weird. The three of them could probably clear out the dining hall of food in like, an hour at most.] Kinda makes me wish Howard or someone was around. Not that he was a biologist, but. [He might at least know more about the science behind this, or the theory or whatever. Neither Bucky nor Steve is stupid, but this is definitely way out of their area of expertise, and he'd kind of like to know more about it.]

[If Bucky had asked, of course, the answer would have been no. Steve hadn't ever minded company, because the company had been either his mom or Bucky, and both of them had meant more to him than anything else, including how lousy he felt. He knows Bucky's not fond of being in a position where he can't do anything, and when Steve was in the hospital was the height of those times. So the fact that Bucky came, and stuck around, always meant a hell of a lot, even if Bucky felt like it wasn't even a choice.

So he nods.] I figured it might be. [Even with doctors coming and going, hospitals are always kind of lonely. A little impersonal. Even in a closed system like this one, he imagines it might be a little bit the same.

Still - Bucky's not wrong, in wishing that someone like Howard was around. Steve kind of wishes the same thing. Neither of them is exactly a scientist, or even really science-minded. They're just better at other things, is all.] Well, I've met Dr. Banner before. I can talk to him. [Although -] I feel like the best person to talk to might be Cosima. She said she was a biologist. Maybe she'd be willing to explain. [He can't guarantee she wouldn't be biased, of course, but it might be a start.] I have a feeling that… whatever happens with you helping Helena, Cosima's going to need to be a part of it. Even if it's just getting Helena to treat Cosima like a person.

[He glances at Helena's door.] She must have been through a lot. [He's not asking Bucky to explain, just sort of thinking out loud. Maybe a little about his own situation, too.] But having good people on her side… that's going to make a difference. [Meaning, most certainly, Bucky. If anyone is a stubborn idiot of a loyal friend, it's Bucky.]

She has. Been through a lot. [He'd been tortured and experimented on for what, a week? Two? A month? He's never really been sure, but regardless, that had left him feeling like a shell of a human being for a while, and he still grapples with it, sometimes. Some scars don't ever go away, and the best you can do is just kind of ignore them in hopes they'll go away on their own.

He has no idea what it was like for her, to be beaten and ridiculed and brainwashed by literally everyone she's ever known. The nuns, Tomas, Maggie Chen, all of them. And he hates that she's not the only person who's had this happen to them, who've been trained as killers and weapons instead of treated like people.]

I think she can do it. I just don't want people trying to make her out to be some kinda monster if she slips up again. [And he knows it's less an if and more a when, because Helena knows how to kill and how to hurt and how to maim, and those are unfortunately her go to responses to stuff like this.

Bucky's brow furrows in thought, and his expression goes a little distant, like he's trying to remember something he can't quite wrap his mind around which, well. He is.]

I think people tried doing that to Ben, once. When he freaked out at some guy.

[The details are still hazy, and as much as he tries, he can't force them to get any clearer. But Ben had definitely jumped some guy, and people had been pissed about it. Maybe more than once.

Bucky hasn't talked a lot about his previous time on the Barge with Steve, mostly because the patchiness of the memories don't help it make a lot of sense, so it's easy enough to just shake his head a little - like he's brushing off a nightmare - and just keeps moving forward.]

She said she was a biologist? I didn't actually see what she said, before- you know. [Helena murdered her.]

[The length of time, in Steve's opinion, doesn't matter. Things can happen quickly or they can happen slowly, but they still happen and they still scar you. They still change you, and he's not an expert on redemption, doesn't pretend to be. But if you asked his honest opinion, he'd think it was more about coming to terms with what happened and letting it change you in the way you wanted, rather than letting it rule you and turn you into something you're not.

He's sort of hoping that approach is going to be the solution back home, but… he needs more experience. He needs to learn whether he's wrong, or whether this could work. He doesn't see being a warden as practice, exactly - that's belittling anyone he's here to help. But it's something he needs to do, if he's going to do it over again, with the person that means more to him than anyone else.

He nods a little, frowning at the idea that,] Slipping up doesn't make you a monster. It makes you human. [Bucky knows that - and Steve knows it. If they've got to make sure everyone else knows it, too… well, Steve can out-stubborn a brick wall. He'll do his best. Although,] I think the real trick is to make sure Helena understands that, right? She can't control what other people think. She'll never be able to. It's got to be what she thinks that matters, right?

[Although he nods, at the last question.] Yeah. She did. So… I don't know if it'd hit too close to home for her, or maybe even if it's an important part of why she's here, or… what. But maybe she's got the explanation we need.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only