imfollowinghim | thirteen ✪ voice & spam

[Bucky sounds somewhere between pissed off and totally burnt out and hollow when he clicks on the comm, because boy, does he have an announcement for you.]

Helena just killed Cosima Niehaus. She jumped her in an empty cabin, she knows her from back home. Sort of.

[It's a little confusing and definitely private, so Bucky doesn't feel like getting into it on a public feed like this.]

I'm bringing Cosima to the infirmary, and I'm not putting Helena in Zero, [Because he's been down there and he's not sure how he feels about it - had he stuck Ben in there? He thinks maybe he did, and it makes him feel a little sick to his stomach - especially given Helena's been locked up before and he doesn't want her thinking this is like that.] But she's on house arrest in her room until I figure out how to get her to cut this shit out.

[Private to Ben]

Can I pick your brain about something?

[Three guesses what it's about.]

[Open Spam]

[After Bucky's brought Cosima to the infirmary and made sure Helena's still in her room, he knows he needs some space. He can't go right into talking to Helena while he's somewhere between furious and emotionally flatlining, because he's mad, but he knows this isn't entirely her fault, and he doesn't know what to do with it, or how to move forward.

Funny, but he thinks he remembers something like this happening forever ago. That might have been part of the reason he'd bothered Ben.

He's pissed. At himself, mostly, so it's easy to head down to the gym, pull off his uniform jacket, wrap his hands and start focusing on beating the shit out of a punching bag instead of thinking about anything else. He'd learned how to box young - his dad had taught him some, and then he'd learned more as he'd got older, partly out of necessity (he could earn money for winning fights, and it never hurt to know how to throw a mean punch when your best friend was hell bent on taking on every bully in New York, let alone Brooklyn) and partly because he'd just been good at it.

So he attacks the bag like he knows what he's doing, because he does, and there's something almost mechanical and vicious about it, not to mention the look on his face. The bag's not in danger of getting ripped out of the ceiling, but it still swings forcefully, maybe even a little more than it probably should.

After a while, he heads back to his room to hose himself off, and hits up the dining hall. He's changed into his Commandos jacket, and slips a couple things into his jacket pockets - an apple, a roll wrapped in a paper napkin - before heading on his way. He doesn't really have time to sit and eat enough lunch for two people today.

Because he does, after all, have two other stops he needs to make:]

[Spam for Helena]

[Once he's calmed down enough to do this the right way, instead of just scowling at her and hoping that did something marginally productive, Bucky heads back to Helena's room. It's part of the reason he'd stopped by the dining hall first, besides just being hungry - maybe the food can act as some kind of peace offering for sticking her in here in the first place.

Even if the reason it'd happened was because she killed someone.

He takes a breath before knocking on the door, just to give her a head's up someone's outside.]

It's Bucky. I'm coming in. [And then he's pushing open the door, not entirely certain of what he's stepping into.]

[Spam for Cosima]

[And after that's done, it's time for the harder part of this messy little operation: apologizing to the person your inmate attacked and killed within like, a couple hours of them showing up here in the first place.

This is made worse by the fact that it doesn't seem like she's awake when he first gets there, which means he's just. Going to awkwardly loiter around trying not to look too out of place or uncomfortable just waiting around here for signs of life or movement. Maybe he should've waited a while longer - he remembers the death toll and how bad it sucks - but he kind of feels like this shouldn't wait, even if it's just a short visit. It's not like either one of them's going anywhere for a while, although she's a little more stuck than he is.

So, hi. There's a stranger sort of awkwardly hanging around your hospital bed, wearing a uniform that might not look entirely unfamiliar to you.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Steve just nods - he doesn't ask why or how Bucky knows that, he just assumes it's because Bucky's been here longer. Why else? He's probably seen people die, or known them, and this is just Steve's first time around the block, seeing it happen. He's trying to get used to the idea, and he will, with just a little time. He's gotten used to a lot, even just being here. And a lot more, back home. So this will be the same.

He does nod a little, though - he's talked to her over video, he saw it. He didn't ask. He didn't figure it was his place. And he'd always hated when people had given him that look, like they pitied him. Like they thought something was wrong with him. Bucky had always just looked at him and saw Steve Rogers. So he tries to do the same for others. She was just Cosima. Not an oxygen tank.

But even he knows it's not easy.] She probably appreciated that. Do you think she'd mind visitors? I mean, if she's up to it - I figured I might stop by. Just to see how she's doing. [He knows what it's like to be stuck in bed. He was thinking he could bring her something to do, if she'd be up to it. Maybe just talk.] Helena's fine though, right? I mean - she was never like that? [Then again, since they don't know why Cosima's sick, it could have nothing to do with being a clone.]

["Did you?" is his first thought in response to Steve's first question, but he doesn't say it. Neither one of them actually likes to spend a lot of time thinking about that part of their lives, because Steve being sick - really sick - had been scary and frustrating and miserable, even if they'd both pretended like this was just some temporary thing he was totally going to bounce back from. (Except for a couple of times.)

So he shrugs a little instead.]

She'd probably be okay with it. It's kind of lonely up there. [And she'd seemed friendly enough, and in relatively good spirits for someone who'd just died when Bucky went to talk to her. It'd be hard enough being up there if this had happened after she'd been here for months, but being new and a stranger to most of the people on board definitely is one of the worst possible combinations here.

Steve's second question makes Bucky's brow furrow slightly before he shakes his head.]

I don't think so. If she was, her file didn't mention it, and she doesn't seem sick. [Perfectly healthy, really, if really fucking weird. The three of them could probably clear out the dining hall of food in like, an hour at most.] Kinda makes me wish Howard or someone was around. Not that he was a biologist, but. [He might at least know more about the science behind this, or the theory or whatever. Neither Bucky nor Steve is stupid, but this is definitely way out of their area of expertise, and he'd kind of like to know more about it.]

[If Bucky had asked, of course, the answer would have been no. Steve hadn't ever minded company, because the company had been either his mom or Bucky, and both of them had meant more to him than anything else, including how lousy he felt. He knows Bucky's not fond of being in a position where he can't do anything, and when Steve was in the hospital was the height of those times. So the fact that Bucky came, and stuck around, always meant a hell of a lot, even if Bucky felt like it wasn't even a choice.

So he nods.] I figured it might be. [Even with doctors coming and going, hospitals are always kind of lonely. A little impersonal. Even in a closed system like this one, he imagines it might be a little bit the same.

Still - Bucky's not wrong, in wishing that someone like Howard was around. Steve kind of wishes the same thing. Neither of them is exactly a scientist, or even really science-minded. They're just better at other things, is all.] Well, I've met Dr. Banner before. I can talk to him. [Although -] I feel like the best person to talk to might be Cosima. She said she was a biologist. Maybe she'd be willing to explain. [He can't guarantee she wouldn't be biased, of course, but it might be a start.] I have a feeling that… whatever happens with you helping Helena, Cosima's going to need to be a part of it. Even if it's just getting Helena to treat Cosima like a person.

[He glances at Helena's door.] She must have been through a lot. [He's not asking Bucky to explain, just sort of thinking out loud. Maybe a little about his own situation, too.] But having good people on her side… that's going to make a difference. [Meaning, most certainly, Bucky. If anyone is a stubborn idiot of a loyal friend, it's Bucky.]

She has. Been through a lot. [He'd been tortured and experimented on for what, a week? Two? A month? He's never really been sure, but regardless, that had left him feeling like a shell of a human being for a while, and he still grapples with it, sometimes. Some scars don't ever go away, and the best you can do is just kind of ignore them in hopes they'll go away on their own.

He has no idea what it was like for her, to be beaten and ridiculed and brainwashed by literally everyone she's ever known. The nuns, Tomas, Maggie Chen, all of them. And he hates that she's not the only person who's had this happen to them, who've been trained as killers and weapons instead of treated like people.]

I think she can do it. I just don't want people trying to make her out to be some kinda monster if she slips up again. [And he knows it's less an if and more a when, because Helena knows how to kill and how to hurt and how to maim, and those are unfortunately her go to responses to stuff like this.

Bucky's brow furrows in thought, and his expression goes a little distant, like he's trying to remember something he can't quite wrap his mind around which, well. He is.]

I think people tried doing that to Ben, once. When he freaked out at some guy.

[The details are still hazy, and as much as he tries, he can't force them to get any clearer. But Ben had definitely jumped some guy, and people had been pissed about it. Maybe more than once.

Bucky hasn't talked a lot about his previous time on the Barge with Steve, mostly because the patchiness of the memories don't help it make a lot of sense, so it's easy enough to just shake his head a little - like he's brushing off a nightmare - and just keeps moving forward.]

She said she was a biologist? I didn't actually see what she said, before- you know. [Helena murdered her.]

[The length of time, in Steve's opinion, doesn't matter. Things can happen quickly or they can happen slowly, but they still happen and they still scar you. They still change you, and he's not an expert on redemption, doesn't pretend to be. But if you asked his honest opinion, he'd think it was more about coming to terms with what happened and letting it change you in the way you wanted, rather than letting it rule you and turn you into something you're not.

He's sort of hoping that approach is going to be the solution back home, but… he needs more experience. He needs to learn whether he's wrong, or whether this could work. He doesn't see being a warden as practice, exactly - that's belittling anyone he's here to help. But it's something he needs to do, if he's going to do it over again, with the person that means more to him than anyone else.

He nods a little, frowning at the idea that,] Slipping up doesn't make you a monster. It makes you human. [Bucky knows that - and Steve knows it. If they've got to make sure everyone else knows it, too… well, Steve can out-stubborn a brick wall. He'll do his best. Although,] I think the real trick is to make sure Helena understands that, right? She can't control what other people think. She'll never be able to. It's got to be what she thinks that matters, right?

[Although he nods, at the last question.] Yeah. She did. So… I don't know if it'd hit too close to home for her, or maybe even if it's an important part of why she's here, or… what. But maybe she's got the explanation we need.