imfollowinghim | twelve ✪ spam & video

Entry tags:

twelve ✪ spam & video

[Spam for Steve]

[Becky's dead, and this is the most comfortable she's been in years.

Admittedly, after sleeping in uncomfortable military issue beds and in dirt holes and even a cell in a HYDRA facility, anything's comfortable. But this is comfortable and familiar in a way she'd worried she'd never have again, especially not here, and who's she to turn that down? Curling up on couch cushions and under blankets on the floor of Steve's apartment makes her feel like a kid again, and it's definitely hard to pick wandering back to her room over this.

Even if tonight - or this morning, whichever - Steve starts tossing and turning in his sleep, and between being a light sleeper and only being a couple inches away from him, there's really only so long she's going to be able to avoid noticing that. At first, she's barely even aware of what woke her up, or that she's awake at all, but then the blanket she'd been huddled under gets all but yanked away, and I mean come on, she was using that.]

Stop stealing the blanket, Stevie, [She grumbles, voice more than a little slurred as she grabs feebly for the blanket. She winds rolling over on her side to face him in the process, fails to do much more than flail at the confiscated bed covering and gives up. She's already almost back to sleep when Steve jerks more violently and lets out a distinctly unhappy noise, and a lifetime spent worrying over her friend dying in his sleep gets her up and alert almost immediately.

It's not the first time she's seen him having a nightmare - and he's woken her from a fair share of her own, too - but that doesn't stop her from worrying and hating that this is something he has to deal with now.

Becky sits up, hair mussed and spilling from the braid she usually keeps it back in these days, and carefully nudges at his shoulder. When that doesn't work, she shakes him a little, trying to be gentle so he doesn't wake up thinking he's under attack or in danger.]
Hey, hey Steve, wake up. Wake up, you're okay. You're okay. [She smooths a hand over his forehead and runs her fingers through his hair. It's a gesture she's probably only half consciously aware of learning from watching his mother do it when they were small and Steve was sick, and it's a motion she's had to preform too many times over the years, for Steve and for other young guys who didn't deserve to have this kind of burden put on their shoulders.] You're okay.

[In her concern for Steve, she doesn't notice that she's wearing clothes that don't fit and a different set of dog tags, but considering the dark green wool sweater and fatigue pants are clearly meant for someone a couple inches taller and a couple pounds heavier, it'll probably be apparent soon enough.

And, you know, Steve will recognize them as what Bucky fell asleep in last night.]

[Public Video]

[The video feed clicks on to show yet another quasi unfamiliar face, who's apparently made herself at home in Steve's room and might have raided his closet because even if the clothes still don't fit her at all, the t-shirt, plaid button down and sweatpants she's requisitioned for herself are a hell of a lot more comfortable than the army issue stuff she'd woken up in.]

Alright, I couldn't really give less of a shit of who you guys think I should be right now, because even if this is a flood, I still know who I am and what I'm doing here, so the lectures on how stuff's gonna be different in a couple days can wait. For anyone who's behind, I'm Becky Barnes, and there're a couple other things I wanna cover first.

One, I really need some clothes. I don't care what they look like so long as they fit. [Well, okay, she cares a little, but she kind of doesn't want to just wander around on board in clothes she's practically swimming in.]

Two, if anyone gets into any dumbass fist fights because they don't know how to deal with their new hormones, head up to the infirmary or give me a call. I'm a nurse, and I've been patching guys up after fist fights since I was a kid.

And three, [This gets a very familiar smirk out of her, because, well. She is technically Bucky.] Once I get some decent clothes, I'm heading up to the CES for some target practice. James, you in? Or are you still sore after the last time I kicked your ass?

Helena, you wanna check in?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[The problem with having perfect recall is that it gives your mind some really, really great fodder for nightmares. Most of the time, when Steve has bad dreams, it's less a dream and more the past playing out again and again in horrible perfect detail, and he's never, ever able to change things the way he desperately wants to.

He's also usually a heavier sleeper than he means to be - sure, he's got great reflexes and the senses to go with it, but his body also needs the sleep to regenerate anything it's lost during the day. He can go for days without sleeping, if he has to, but when he does sleep, it's usually pretty hard.

He's dreaming - remembering - Bucky falling off that train, like he's dreamed a hundred, maybe two or three hundred times before. He's never fast enough, never good enough, and all he can do is cling to the ruined side of the car and watch his best friend disappear, and there's never, ever, anything he can do about it.

But before the scene can replay again, or maybe morph into something else just as horrible, someone's shaking him. That starts to pull him out of it, but he's a little slow to respond - and he must still be dreaming, because a second later, someone touches his forehead, and no one's touched him like that in years. Not since his mom died. In fact, he thinks he can hear her talking to him now -

He starts to come awake - really awake, blinking and remembering where he is, which is on his floor with Bucky, only… the person looking at him is not Bucky. In fact, it's nowhere near Bucky, it's a woman, which is confusing because as he squints and gets a clearer picture, she's wearing Bucky's clothes and… what?

Steve jerks a little, away from the unfamiliar touch. For a second, he remembers that "nurse" they sent in to comfort him when he first woke up in New York after 70 years, but that's not the case here. He's on the Barge. But he doesn't know who this is.] What - where's Bucky? Who are you?

[And why are you wearing his clothes? This is really, really weird.]

[Well that's... unexpected. At first, Becky looks worried, then maybe just confused, because Steve's staring at her like she's a ghost, or some kind of stranger. Steve, who she's been best friends with since they were kids, and maybe if he looked a little less genuinely suspicious and caught off guard, she'd assume he was joking.

No, he just really doesn't recognize her. And is asking about some person named Bucky.

Maybe it's a flood, she thinks, pulling her hand back since he's obviously freaked out enough as is, because she definitely would've noticed if he'd gotten some kind of head injury that'd account for this kind of amnesia.]

Who the hell is Bucky? [Is the first thing that blurts out of her mouth, and she looks honestly confused, too.

Then she starts taking stock of the rest of their situation, and realizes the sweater she's wearing is totally swamping her. She's never been especially self conscious around Steve, but this is still weird, and she plucks at one of the sleeves with confusion.]

What happened to my clothes?

[No, he really doesn't recognize her. Although hearing that, coming on the tail end of a nightmare, is enough to make him shudder, right down to his core. His eyes cloud over for a second - but no, no, he's awake, and this is -

Who, exactly?

Steve tries to pull himself together enough to get a better look. She's not quite in his face anymore, which is good, because he'd sort of expected that if he ever woke up with a woman next to him, he'd ideally remember going to bed with her the night before. But the only person he went to sleep with was Bucky, and...]

Those are Bucky's clothes.

[Yeah, he's seen Bucky give his jacket to women before, but this is different. This is a woman wearing his clothes, all of them, a woman with dark hair, and blue eyes, and -

Cue frown. Cue a very big frown.] Buck? Is that - you?

[This whole flood concept is still a little new, it's not exactly the first thing he thinks of, but he's already headed in that direction. In fact, he's getting there right about now. Bucky said he'd been a dog once, right? So why not a... woman?

Well. Holy shit.]

Becky. I'm Becky, Steve, remember? [It should be a joke. She wants it to be a joke, but he looks really shaken up, and it's kind of hard to poke at him when he looks like that.]

I gave Freddy Collins a black eye when we were twelve because he wouldn't let you play ball with us? [Of course, he hadn't really wanted to let Becky play either, but the question of Steve being able to play had happened later, and she'd been entirely unapologetic about the whole incident. Still, if he's apparently missing details of who she is and why she's here, might as well try to remind him, right?

Besides, she wants to ask if he's okay. He'd looked kind of wrecked a second ago, and she can guess what he was dreaming about - she's dreamed about it a lot too - but she's always tried to look out for him. This isn't any different.

And then it clicks into place. Her face screws up in a combination of amusement and frustration, because come on. Seriously?]

Aw, hell, you think I'm a guy?

[Becky? His eyes narrow, just a little - no, he doesn't remember, of course, but she's got this... this demeanor about her that screams Bucky to his subconscious, like if he closed his eyes and just felt for the presence next to him, then yeah, it would be the right person.

Oh, and he remembers the Freddy Collins incident - and that's actually what really clinches it for him, that little detail, because no one else here would know about that except for Bucky. It's just one of a million black eyes Bucky's handed out on Steve's behalf, over the years, so why would he have mentioned it to anyone?

But he's still pretty sure Bucky was a guy when that happened. Bucky's been a guy the last 27 years, in fact, so the only explanation is - ] Flood.

[He blinks, still a little dumbfounded.] Yeah - I mean, you are a guy. Well - not right now, obviously. [Okay, and what is it about Bucky suddenly looking female that tongue-ties him. Geez. Get it together, Steve. He puts one hand to his temple, takes a breath.] Definitely a flood.

[Which she is kind of picking up on, because how many times has she seen Steve get all weird and uncomfortable around some of her friends, or random strangers, or whoever else.

And honestly? It's definitely a little awkward being on the receiving end of it. Steve's always been her brother, and she's not really sure how to deal with a Steve who thinks she's supposed to be a brother.]

What, don't tell me you forgot how to talk to me, too.

[She gently punches his shoulder, way more cautiously than she probably should. It's testing the waters, making sure he's not about to flinch away from her again. As far as she's concerned, she's still the same person she's always been.] You're hopeless. Flood, accident, whatever it is, you're stuck with me, and I remember every piece of dirty laundry I've got on you. Don't get all weird.

[Except Steve is totally being weird, and she's still worried, so the smile slips from her face to be replaced with a look of open concern. They probably don't talk as much as they should about their baggage, but it's hard seeing him hurt like that. Especially because she's not entirely sure about the why.]

Are you okay?

What? No - [Yes] No, I'm just. [Confused. This is weird, okay? Having your male best friend suddenly decide he was female from the get-go is nothing if not disorienting. And he just woke up. Today is going to be awesome. He can tell already.

The punch to his shoulder is... comforting, in a weird way. Okay, so this Bucky - Becky? - is still Bucky. What she says next clinches it, and even though he's still clearly confused, and pretty thrown off, he does relax a little. Steve has been through a lot of weird things in his life. This is just another one of them, right? He can handle this. Or at least he'll try.] Okay. [He takes a breath, tries to center himself, and at least he looks a little less awkward, when he looks back up at her? Even if she is still wearing Bucky's - her - too-large clothes.] No getting all weird. [Or making a superhuman effort not to.

Although he's not used to that kind of a look from... anyone, really. Let alone Bucky.] Yeah - yeah. I'm fine. [Although now that he's more awake, he realizes what was going on in the first place, and he grimaces a little.] I woke you up - sorry.

You don't have to apologize, Stevie. [She smiles, and it's sweet and affectionate while still being a little cocky, because seriously, she's still Bucky. Maybe a little different, but the core's still there.

And she still doesn't really believe him, but he's still kind of looking at her like she's a stranger, so pushing him seems... pointless. Steve's a stubborn asshole, and if he's not going to tell her, he's not going to tell her, and that's pretty much that.

She'll just kind of try to ignore how it stings a little (a lot) to feel like he doesn't know her.

Fortunately, there are plenty of things to be distracted by, like her clothes. His clothes. Which she's definitely never worn before, but she recognizes because they're standard issue and everything. Apparently she'd (he'd?) either been tired when she went to sleep and not changed, or didn't have much by way of other clothes on board, because these definitely aren't comfortable and yep, there's a different name there on the dog tags - James Buchanan Barnes.

Becky's mouth twists into a sort of bitter smile when she sees it and glances up at Steve quickly. Well, there's proof that she's not who she's supposed to be, apparently. Even if she feels like she is.]

Guess he didn't have to sign up with the nurse corps to get over there and help out, huh?

Edited 2014-07-10 11:46 (UTC)

[Stevie? That one's new - suddenly he's starting to wonder... just how different Becky is from Bucky.

Although, actually, she sort of clinches it a second later, when she catches the dog tags and realizes it's not her name that's printed on them. Of course - ] Uh. No. [Although he's trying to imagine Bucky as a nurse - well, doctor - and... it's not working very well. ~~Sorry, buddy.~~] You're a nurse?

[A beat, then - ] Sorry. I guess... there's probably a lot I don't know about you.

[He looks this strange mixture of curious and confused - well, mostly because that's how he's feeling. He does and yet he doesn't know this person sitting here next to him. She's Bucky, but... Bucky if he'd been a girl? That's got to be different somehow, starting with the nursing corps - well, no, ending with the nursing corps, and starting way back when they were kids? Because she doesn't seem disturbed to be sleeping on the floor on a bunch of couch cushions, and she knows about Freddy Collins, and she's claiming to have all that dirty laundry on him (which he'll bet she does).] This might take me a while to get used to. [How long is this going to last?

And even if she's not feeling all that self-conscious around him, he's sort of aware that Bucky's clothes are not exactly... fitted properly for a woman.] We need to get you something to wear.

Yeah, I was. Before the whole Commandos dog and pony show. [The not quite forced smile falters a little, gets a little bit bitter when he apologizes and points that out, because, well. Yeah. Of course there is, things were probably pretty different for "Bucky".] I guess not.

[Which is kind of the pits, honestly. She doesn't want to be dealing with Steve being all awkward and uncomfortable, she wants things to be normal. Or at close to normal as possible, especially given what happened two nights ago.

She's still furious with herself for grabbing Helena like that. Sure, she'd been half asleep and had thought she'd been back with Zola, or God knows where else, but Becky could have broken her wrist. And it makes her feel like a monster, or broken beyond repair because she's still so obviously not okay, and she's sick of it.

But then she lets out a sort of half laugh, and starts buttoning up the sweater to the top button, because yeah, the bad fit makes the neckline a little plunging. She's not uncomfortable or that self conscious (Steve's seen her in pajamas, and even just a towel way more than once), but let's be honest - most siblings don't want to be staring at each other's cleavage.]

I kinda doubt you've got anything close to my size on hand. [Or, you know. Undergarments which would help address some of the immediate "this is kind of uncomfortable" issues.] But I guess I can't really be picky, can I?

Right. [Okay, well that answers... maybe not his next question, but a question. Honestly, he's not sure what to ask - or if he should ask anything, because she's starting to look a little uncomfortable (and he's pretty good at telling when women look uncomfortable, they tended to do it a lot around him).] Sorry. That's... this probably isn't what you were expecting when you woke up, either. [Because it's sure as hell not what he was expecting, but he can at least appreciate that this goes both ways. And if this is going to last a couple of days... then he'd better get used to it. Or... try.

He does notice when she starts buttoning up the sweater, and yeah, he hasn't ever had a sister so he'll just... not look for a second. That seems safest. Bucky's going to laugh so hard at him when he... gets back? Turns back? Something like that. He's starting to think of this less as Bucky just turning into a girl, and more of Bucky having been... replaced by someone with the same personality, but who's a girl and has obviously led a different life. That's definitely weirder, though.

But clothes. Right.] Oh - uh. No, I definitely don't. [A little laugh.] But, I mean, there are other women on the Barge. I'm sure someone can lend you something. [He's wondering if it's just Bucky that's affected, or if it's more widespread than that.] Do you... [He's about to ask if she wants to get breakfast, since they're up (although he has no idea what time it is, but that generally doesn't seem to matter) but without much to wear, that's probably not ideal.] I mean, I can grab us something to eat. [He's not trying to run away - he's not - but he needs just a second to process this and maybe she does too?

Besides, he's still trying to shake the last vestiges of that nightmare, and some memories, too.]

[Honestly? She's a little torn, and it's kind of a good thing the clothes make staying here the better option, because she might be okay with Steve seeing her wander around in what basically amounts to pajamas, but other people on the Barge? No thank you. She does have some kind of image to keep up, and wandering around looking like her clothes were eating her or about to fall off don't really fit with the put together attractive dame thing she's got going.

But she always wants to get breakfast with Steve - and she is hungry, which isn't a surprise, either - because for a while, she'd been pretty sure she wasn't doing anything with Steve ever again. Except Steve doesn't really know her, and obviously he kind of wants some space, so. Maybe it's for the best.]

Sure. You can quiz me if you want, when you get back.

[Maybe that'll help make this a little easier. God knows she's got some questions she'd kind of like to ask him.

She smiles, trying to get back to being reassuring. See, things are fine, she's not uncomfortable. You shouldn't be, either.]

Try and smuggle me out some pancakes? [There's one thing that hasn't changed, at least.] I'll put the couch back together.

[And take some time to get her head on a little straighter, because this is only as awkward as they make it out to be.

And she's maybe going to raid your closet anyway.]

[He just needs a little space, just to figure this out, because waking up to discover your best friend's suddenly a girl is confusing, no matter how good you are at taking what life deals you and rolling with it. He's pretty sure that by the time he gets to the mess and back... well, he's not sure he'll be one hundred percent onboard, but he'll at least have processed this enough that he won't be weird, and hopefully that will stop making her uncomfortable, because he definitely doesn't want that.

And he does, admittedly, look a little interested when she doesn't seem to mind if he quizzes her a little bit.] Yeah? [He grins a bit, tentatively, but it's genuine.] That might be good. I think... I'm not sure what to think. I think you're still my best friend, but that means I need to catch up on some things, doesn't it? [And he absolutely means that, too.

Especially when she asks for pancakes. Between that and the baseball thing... yeah. She's definitely his best friend. Just in a different package. And suddenly he kind of wonders if this isn't just a little bit how Bucky felt when Steve broke him out of that HYDRA factory. It's not exactly the same, no. But is it really so different? Same person. Different wrapping.

It actually helps - a lot - to think about it that way. He probably even looks a little more relaxed already, nodding with a grin that's a little bigger now.] You bet. If I can't get pancakes out of there, no one can. [Because come on, could they catch him if he made a break for it? Probably not. Besides, it's not illegal to eat around here.

He doesn't mind so much going out in a t-shirt and sweatpants, since that's what he works out in most of the time. He'll just fish his shoes out of the closet, and get on his way - and he doesn't think twice about giving her the run of his room, because if she really is Bucky, or his female equivalent, then even if it's a little different, everything he has is hers.

Although when he comes back about ten or fifteen minutes later with breakfast - again, as much as he can carry, including pancakes, bacon, sausage, eggs, and coffee - he's going to knock before he comes in. You know. Just in case... something?] Room service.

[It does actually help a lot to set her more at ease, and so the smile's a little more genuine and familiar, if a tiny bit softer than Bucky's usual grin.] Thanks, pal.

[She's still his best friend. They'll figure it out.

In the time it takes Steve to retrieve breakfast, Becky's made good on her promise to put the couch back together - the cushions are back in place, the bed's been remade, and the blankets have been folded up and put back in the drawer. She'd do some other tidying up too, if it had been necessary, which isn't not. Steve's room is kind of too Spartan to have clutter, and he's not exactly a slob by any stretch of the imagination, but she kind of wishes there was something to do, just so she could keep herself busy while she waits.

(Which is hilarious, because she'd spent a lot of time making it clear to guys that just because she's a girl, she's not gonna be their maid.)

Instead, she winds up raiding his closet, swapping out Bucky's combat uniform pants and scratchy wool sweater and badly mended socks for sweatpants, a t-shirt, socks and a flannel button down. They're still way too big for her, but the drawstring keeps the pants from falling around her ankles and this is a hell of a lot more comfortable than sitting around in crappy army issue gear. Bucky's clothes get folded up and tossed in the laundry basket, but she keeps the dog tags, even if they're not really hers.

So she's dressed when she answers the door, and doesn't bother apologizing or even smiling sheepishly when she sees what he's requisitioned for them in favor of just looking vaguely impressed and holding the door open for him so he doesn't drop anything.]

You save some for the rest of the ship, Steve? [Not that she is actively complaining. At all. Ever.]

[He's honestly not sure if she eats as much as Bucky does or not - if so, they're set, if not, it's not like Steve can't finish it off. There might be an apple or two for later, balanced on the very top - hey, if you're going to have peak human dexterity, reflexes, and balance, why not put them to good use?] Was I supposed to?

[He sounds totally innocent, because it's not like they won't make more (and he didn't take it all); he's not quite looking at her as he slips inside to set everything down on the desk - his cabin doesn't include his kitchen, but that's okay, because it doesn't need to. Not like he's much of a cook, anyway, and they usually eat in the mess, but the desk can always pull double duty as a table when it needs to.

When he does finally get a good look at her, he sort of pauses and blinks - oh, well, okay. It's a little weird seeing her wearing his clothes, but not in a bad way. He doesn't mind. It's just... a little strange, for a second - and maybe a little funny, because he remembers swimming in other people's clothes (and sometimes his own) almost as much, not so long ago.] More comfortable? [he asks - because okay, honestly, he's wondering if Bucky really needs to wear the Army-issue stuff all the time. He gets keeping the room, and maybe wearing the uniform does make this seem less like a vacation, too. But he's still convinced Bucky wouldn't die or suddenly get lazy if he had something more comfortable to sleep in.

Maybe Becky can explain that one, who knows.

First, though he gets to work dividing everything up and pointing at the desk chair for her; he can eat perched on the side of the desk, that's kind of what he does half the time at home, anyway.] Dig in. And we can try and figure this... thing out. I mean - whatever there is to figure out. [Because she thinks this is normal, and he doesn't, and... he figures maybe they can meet in the middle.] So you've... always been here? Like that? I mean, that's how you remember it. [That obviously being as a girl, very articulate.]

[Becky smiles, and again, there's no shame or embarrassment for being called out on it. She's not a complete shrimp compared to Steve, but she's definitely shorter and less filled out, so she probably does look ridiculous. But at least she's comfortable and ridiculous.]

Sorry. I'll wash 'em for you once I've got something else to wear. [She might end up doing everything in his laundry basket to save water (hard to shake those habits, even if there's no water bill to worry about here) and as a favor. There's still something in her that feels a little guilty about how this is all playing out, or at least still feels uncomfortable.

Once Steve gives the signal, she slides into the desk chair to dig into breakfast. She's maybe a little better at not just ripping into food like she's never going to see it again than Bucky is, but that's more for appearances sake than anything else, and while she almost immediately surveys Steve's plate to make sure he's got just as much food as she's given her, it's pretty clear that her appetite hasn't changed, either.

And Steve's question gets a quiet snort of laughter out of her, and she shrugs, finishing a mouthful of eggs and washing it down with some coffee before answering.]

That's how I remember it, yeah. I was here for about a month, and then you showed up. I'm partnered up with Helena, my room's on the first floor, and a couple weeks ago, we were stuck in some crazy cave with a bunch of cannibal mole people. [Which had sucked, and the less time spent revisiting that, the better. It's probably why things have been kind of rougher on her lately, because she'd like to think if she hadn't been hearing Zola's voice in the caves, she might not have freaked out at Helena the way she did.

Anyway, she pushes that away and gives him an expectant grin. If she's worried about his reaction to her answers (a tiny part of her is) she doesn't show it.]

How am I doing so far?

[It might be a little funny, but he doesn't really care. Maybe didn't expect it, but maybe he shouldn't be surprised, either. Although when she offers to wash them, he just laughs and shakes his head.] Nah, it's fine. [Although if she ends up doing his laundry, he probably won't complain? She doesn't need to, though. Not for borrowing things, and not for any of this.

And they've got an exactly equal amount of food - other than the fact that there are two more pancakes on her plate than his, because she requested them, so that's just how it goes. He'll finish them if she won't - but he can't say he's distressed to see her digging in, either. Again, that's strangely comforting, just like a lot of things about her.

And okay, the memories from the Barge are all the same. That's a good start, right?] Sounds right to me, [he confirms, working on the eggs and meat first. Pancakes get saved for last.] I guess the difference is going to be, uh, back home. In the past. Because it sounds like most of that stuff is the same [like the people she's popped in the nose on his behalf] but I know some of it's got to be different, somewhere along the line. [He cocks a lopsided grin.] Because no, Bucky's not a nurse. [Wasn't? It's both frightening and comforting that his first inclination wasn't to use the past tense.]

[She snorts, because, well, yeah.]

It's probably a lot different. No one's telling him he can't do shit.

[And she realizes that probably sounds way more bitter than it should, especially if he's not really sure what to expect from her. She tries to smile, maybe a little apologetically, and then goes back to finishing off the rest of the eggs before adding anything else. No one likes cold eggs.

God, this is so unfair. She's not used to feeling like a stranger to her best friend, and she's not exactly pleased to know there's some other version of her out there who's probably had a totally easy life laid out for him.

Well. Easier, anyway.]

I would've enlisted if they'd let me, but the nurse corps sounded better then getting stuck at a desk, so. [She shrugs, still avoiding looking directly at him.] What else?

Not so much, no. [Of course, Steve says it with the tone of someone who's dealt with that his whole life, too - he's smiling a little, wryly. No, no one ever told Bucky he couldn't' do something, unless it was because he didn't have the money or the schooling - which had happened occasionally. But not like they'd told Steve, of course - and maybe not like they'd told Becky.

No, he's not sure what to expect from her; but he's wondering if they don't have more in common than he thought.

His smile grows a little less wry, though, and a little more knowing a moment later.] That, I'd believe. [No version of Bucky, anywhere, would've settled for a desk job.

And he opens his mouth, he's about to ask something else, something innocuous, like wondering maybe whether they still grew up together the same way. What comes out, almost to his surprise is,] What about HYDRA? They never - [He pulls up a little short.] I mean. Bucky was a prisoner of war. [Albeit briefly, but it sort of felt like forever to Steve until he could get to him, and he sometimes wonders if it felt like a lifetime, to Bucky. He's never actually asked. He's not sure he needs to.

But he's suddenly finding himself hoping that never happened to Becky. That she joined the Commandos - because she mentioned that - some other way.]

[It absolutely had felt like a lifetime. Becky has no idea how long she was actually in the isolation ward - it felt like months, years, but she's pretty sure it'd actually been short of a month. But weeks is a long time to be tortured and experimented on, even if she doesn't remember all of it thanks to whatever drugs they'd had her on, or just being unconscious.

So she stops eating, and the look on her face is... distant. Hard to read. Somewhere between bitter humor and actual pain because, well.]

Yeah, that happened to me, too. [And she doesn't want to talk about it. She'd never really talked about it with Steve, or with anyone after the army and the SSR had determined she was still fit for duty after she'd first gotten back and had some time to recover. Even then, she'd lied about a lot of the details - if she'd told the truth, they would have sent her back home, and maybe stuck her in some lab, or an insane asylum or something, just as a precaution.]

They overran the field hospital I was stationed at, a little south of Azzano. We kinda didn't think they'd take us prisoner, but I guess they didn't care. [Which is pretty freaking obvious now. HYDRA doesn't care about countries or treaties or whatever else, because she'd seen them kill Germans, too.

She still hates the Nazis, too, but HYDRA's just as bad.]

You got me out, though. [Which has always kind of been a light at the end of that tunnel, even if she's still a little furious with him for putting himself in harm's way in the first place. Still, it makes it easier to look at him and smile a little again, because it'd helped, to have a friendly face. More than he probably realizes.] And then you snuck into the recovery room they stuck me in to keep me company.

[Honestly? He can't help the way his face falls. He knows how hard that was on Bucky - actually, he knows he doesn't know the half of how hard it was on Bucky. Despite the fact that Bucky won't talk about it, what that really means to Steve is that there's a part of his friend that will always be different because of what happened - and that's not taking into account the Winter Soldier. He can see it in Bucky, here, every once in a while, even though he can also see that Bucky's not willing to talk about it, and trying his best just to keep moving forward. Steve respects that, for as much as he worries, and that's why he doesn't ask. He knows there are things - obviously - that he has to keep from Bucky, too.

Even though he doesn't like it.

So he doesn't like to hear that Becky has been through those same things. And it's out almost before he realizes he's said it:] I'm sorry I didn't get there sooner. [He will always be sorry. Just like he will always be sorry he couldn't look for you - him? - after the fall. Some things, he knows, just can't be absolved.

Although he tries to let that go - for now - when she goes on, a little, which makes his lips twitch up, despite how he's feeling.] I do have this problem, I'm told: I'm a little bit stubborn. [But nothing could have kept him away, not the entire Army, after that.] So I guess even though the reasons are different... a lot of things are the same.

[Maybe he shouldn't be surprised. It's the memories and the actions that make up a man - well. Person. So if Becky is Bucky, then she must have the same life experiences, regardless of the reason. And he smiles a little, needing to lighten the mood, just for a second, asking,] You didn't pull that stunt all the time where you me I looked fine when nothing I was wearing matched, did you? [Look, getting dressed when a lot of colors don't look terribly different is a challenge.]

[Becky looks up in time to catch his sort of crushed looking expression, and immediately puts a hand on his arm, squeezing a little to get his attention and let him know she's not mad, and she sure as hell doesn't blame him at all. It's gentle and familiar, but definitely a little different from the shove Bucky might have handed out at a time like this instead.]

You got me out. That's what's important. [It's true: no, she doesn't want to talk about it, and there are times when she resents that, too. She's never had to keep anything from Steve before, not really, not even when she'd maybe wanted to, but this? This, she doesn't want anyone to know about. She knows she's different, she knows she's been broken in a way she wasn't before, but that doesn't mean she wants to talk about it.

But it's not Steve's fault. Steve saved her when she'd kind of resigned herself to dying there, so that's what she'd rather focus on. What's important. Bucky's said as much, too, although he usually sounds more firm and "we're dropping this subject right now" than gentle and reassuring. It seems like she's got slightly softer edges than Bucky in certain respects, which probably has a lot to do with expectations and gender roles and everything, however much she'd rubbed up against those kind of the wrong way.

But then she grins with the same sort of cocky, unapologetic look on her face that makes it pretty clear that things aren't that different.]

Maybe a couple times, after you were being an ass about something. [Look, she's not mean enough to do anything really awful, and she's always been quick to forgive him anyway, but if you're really going to pretend like your nose isn't broken and you definitely don't need her help getting up the stairs, your shirt isn't gonna match your tie. Fair trade. Think about it next time before you do something stupid, alright?] I'd help pick out your clothes before you went out on dates, though. I'm not a monster.

[Bucky has said the same thing, for the most part. Steve can even admit it's what he would say. He still feels like it isn't enough - can't ever be enough. But here and now isn't the time to dwell on it. If Bucky clamming up about it and moving on forcibly was ever good for anything, it was the fact that Steve had something else to focus on than just his guilt. At least, until he had a minute to himself.

Still, the touch might not be the shove he'd expect from Bucky, but it feels the same, essentially, and it means the same, too.

So does that smile of hers a minute later, making him laugh.] I never said you were a monster. Though I can't imagine any of those dates went any better without you - him - to steal all the attention. [He doesn't sound like he minds - because he doesn't, really. It's just the way things were.

And it sounds like the way things were with Bucky... well, they're close enough to the way things were with Becky.] You two really are the same person. I mean - you know. Underneath. [Obviously not on the surface. Obviously.] Which means you really do have a lot of dirty laundry on me... and half the stuff I have on you probably doesn't count. Now I feel outgunned.

If you mean you didn't know how to talk to women who weren't me? Yeah, you were pretty hopeless sometimes, pal. Thank God Peggy didn't seem to mind. [Which she means, probably more than he realizes. Being the only women in an almost exclusively male organization meant Becky and Peggy had found more common ground quicker, and let's just say she definitely approved of that relationship.

It actually hurts a lot to know that they were denied more of their time together. When she'd been here without Steve, it'd been good to think maybe at least someone was around to keep an eye out for him who saw the stubborn little shit who'd kept trying to enlist instead of the fearless leader of men on the newsreels.

Anyway, she chuckles when Steve continues, and raises an eyebrow a little, pretty much just daring him to refuse to take her up on this.]

I can take it easy on you until things get back to normal, if you want. Guess it's not fair to really rub it in like this.

Thank God. [For a second, he looks... not sad, exactly. Maybe a little wistful. But he knows that all the wishing in the world won't change a thing. If it would... he'd have been able to change a lot of things, a long time ago.] She still doesn't, [he mentions quietly. When they're able to hold a conversation. Before she gets confused or forgets.

But he does his best to shake himself out of that, because it's not relevant right now.]

You can. [But he gives her a wry grin and says,] But you don't have to. You wouldn't be - you, otherwise. [Because who else will give Steve shit? He kind of counts on you to keep him honest. You know. If dishonesty were his thing.] So you do what comes natural. I'll just keep my head down and hope for the best.