imfollowinghim | twelve ✪ spam & video

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twelve ✪ spam & video

[Spam for Steve]

[Becky's dead, and this is the most comfortable she's been in years.

Admittedly, after sleeping in uncomfortable military issue beds and in dirt holes and even a cell in a HYDRA facility, anything's comfortable. But this is comfortable and familiar in a way she'd worried she'd never have again, especially not here, and who's she to turn that down? Curling up on couch cushions and under blankets on the floor of Steve's apartment makes her feel like a kid again, and it's definitely hard to pick wandering back to her room over this.

Even if tonight - or this morning, whichever - Steve starts tossing and turning in his sleep, and between being a light sleeper and only being a couple inches away from him, there's really only so long she's going to be able to avoid noticing that. At first, she's barely even aware of what woke her up, or that she's awake at all, but then the blanket she'd been huddled under gets all but yanked away, and I mean come on, she was using that.]

Stop stealing the blanket, Stevie, [She grumbles, voice more than a little slurred as she grabs feebly for the blanket. She winds rolling over on her side to face him in the process, fails to do much more than flail at the confiscated bed covering and gives up. She's already almost back to sleep when Steve jerks more violently and lets out a distinctly unhappy noise, and a lifetime spent worrying over her friend dying in his sleep gets her up and alert almost immediately.

It's not the first time she's seen him having a nightmare - and he's woken her from a fair share of her own, too - but that doesn't stop her from worrying and hating that this is something he has to deal with now.

Becky sits up, hair mussed and spilling from the braid she usually keeps it back in these days, and carefully nudges at his shoulder. When that doesn't work, she shakes him a little, trying to be gentle so he doesn't wake up thinking he's under attack or in danger.]
Hey, hey Steve, wake up. Wake up, you're okay. You're okay. [She smooths a hand over his forehead and runs her fingers through his hair. It's a gesture she's probably only half consciously aware of learning from watching his mother do it when they were small and Steve was sick, and it's a motion she's had to preform too many times over the years, for Steve and for other young guys who didn't deserve to have this kind of burden put on their shoulders.] You're okay.

[In her concern for Steve, she doesn't notice that she's wearing clothes that don't fit and a different set of dog tags, but considering the dark green wool sweater and fatigue pants are clearly meant for someone a couple inches taller and a couple pounds heavier, it'll probably be apparent soon enough.

And, you know, Steve will recognize them as what Bucky fell asleep in last night.]

[Public Video]

[The video feed clicks on to show yet another quasi unfamiliar face, who's apparently made herself at home in Steve's room and might have raided his closet because even if the clothes still don't fit her at all, the t-shirt, plaid button down and sweatpants she's requisitioned for herself are a hell of a lot more comfortable than the army issue stuff she'd woken up in.]

Alright, I couldn't really give less of a shit of who you guys think I should be right now, because even if this is a flood, I still know who I am and what I'm doing here, so the lectures on how stuff's gonna be different in a couple days can wait. For anyone who's behind, I'm Becky Barnes, and there're a couple other things I wanna cover first.

One, I really need some clothes. I don't care what they look like so long as they fit. [Well, okay, she cares a little, but she kind of doesn't want to just wander around on board in clothes she's practically swimming in.]

Two, if anyone gets into any dumbass fist fights because they don't know how to deal with their new hormones, head up to the infirmary or give me a call. I'm a nurse, and I've been patching guys up after fist fights since I was a kid.

And three, [This gets a very familiar smirk out of her, because, well. She is technically Bucky.] Once I get some decent clothes, I'm heading up to the CES for some target practice. James, you in? Or are you still sore after the last time I kicked your ass?

Helena, you wanna check in?

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[No, it's not - and while Steve was sort of hoping to maybe gloss over it, he knew better the second he opened his mouth to say it.] Yeah. I have. [His lips flicker up, like he kind of wants to smile and say it's okay, but he just can't quite do it. Not well enough to convince Bucky, he knows - so not well enough to convince Becky.] A couple of times.

[It took him a long time to work up the courage. But once he did... it seemed wrong not to visit her regularly. Even if it hurt a hell of a lot more than he imagined. Maybe he's just always been a sucker for pain.] She's still the same old Peggy. [Well. Mostly. That's what matters to him.]

Jeez, Steve.

[No, he's not okay. There's no way he's okay, and suddenly (alright, maybe not so suddenly, because it's not like she'd been happy about stuff before) she's furious that she's not there to help. That this is as close as they're going to get to being together again, watching each others' backs until she gets her deal, and who knows when that's going to happen? Or if it ever will.

She wants to say she's sorry she's not there to help, but this is about Steve, not her. Becky lets out a breath and gets up, picking up her plate, silverware and mug, and jerks her head towards the couch.]

C'mon, let's get comfy and you can tell me what's going on.

[He doesn't quite wince, but he almost does. He didn't mean to make a big deal out of this - it's not. Really. It's just one of those things that is, because the world didn't wait for him while he spent almost seven decades on ice. He looks almost a little dismayed, as she picks up her plate and indicates they should sit down on the couch, like she wants to have a nice, long talk about this. He... doesn't.

But even he knows she's not going to let it lie, if he doesn't at least say something.

After a moment of hesitation, he grabs his coffee mug - he'll get back to the food in a minute, his stomach is churning a little - and tentatively sits on the edge of the couch, glancing over at her, wrapping his hands around the mug in a gesture he used to make all the time, in the winter, whether they had coffee or just hot water. He's not cold, now, but it's habit. Comforting, almost.]

There's nothing going on, [He says, trying to shrug it off, although it's a pretty weak attempt, and he knows it.] She's still alive. I've been to see her a couple of times, that's all. We talk. She puts up with me being - you know. Me.

[She doesn't want to have a nice long talk, not really. If Steve does, she'll listen and ask questions and say whatever she can to help make it better, but what she really wants is to just sit here and let him know she's here. He's not alone anymore, and maybe that means needing to relearn how to be around each other again, but she's not going anywhere.

She lets out a quiet snort when he says it and sits down next to him.]

Glad someone still does. [God knows he needs it.

Becky leans into him a little, pressing her shoulder against him, enough to be familiar and hopefully comforting without leaning on him too hard.]

We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. I know I'm not exactly who you're expecting me to be, but- [She smiles and nudges him gently.] I bet he'll listen too, if we're really that much alike.

[And there's no way Steve's okay with this. No way in hell. And she hates that there's no bully she can punch in the face this time.]

[He glances over at her, smile a little weak; he wishes Bucky - hell, even Becky - were there to do it, too, but that's a whole different can of worms. He's not going to open that one, now or ever. But he's also never, ever going to say that his best friend, in any form, leaning against him like that isn't comforting. Because it is. He leans back, a little - carefully - and takes a slow sip of coffee.]

I know he would. I know you would. But there's just... nothing to talk about. [Which isn't true, of course, but there's nothing he wants to talk about. He's not okay with it. There's so much he's not okay with. But he also knows that nothing can make it okay.] There's nothing either of us can do from here, anyway. [He shrugs the shoulder not leaning against hers.] I didn't mean to interrupt breakfast, [he adds, with a headtilt in the direction of her food.]

[She shrugs in return, not looking all that bothered by it. It's easy to smile that usual sort of sly smile and pretend like she's doing him a huge favor just by being here, when in reality, she's kind of always felt like it was the other way around.] Maybe I just wanted to sit with you.

[She nudges him, and then sets aside her own plate, puts down her coffee mug, and hops up to retrieve his plate, passing it over and sitting down next to him again, leaning right back into his side like they're propping each other up.

And then promptly tries to sneak some of the fruit from her plate onto his, mostly to mess with him. Just another little reminder that she's always going to be looking out for him, no matter what she looks like right now.]

[Well, she - Bucky, whoever - is doing him a huge favor by being here. He just can't tell her (him) that. Although he knows Bucky and Becky both suspect it for a different reason entirely, maybe.

This is still a little confusing, you know. And yet he can't help but feel more at ease, the more he realizes she and Bucky really are the same person, at their core. It gets more and more obvious with every passing second. This is going to be a weird flood. But not an unbearable one. ]

Uh-huh. [His look says he knows that is absolutely not the case. So does his voice. And yet, everything about his demeanor should tell her that he appreciates it. That even if he's not going to talk, he feels a little better.

He even accepts his plate back, when she gets up to grab it for him, humming a little in thanks. Though he snorts when she not-so-subtly tries to shuffle some fruit onto his.] What you, don't like grapes anymore? Now I know something's up. [Have a gentler-than-normal elbow to the side, more of a ghost of a nudge, really, but you do look like a girl and he's kind of trained not to horse around with them.]

[Becky winds up elbowing him right back, maybe with just as much force as usual, because she's apparently got no qualms about horsing around.

It's also just easier now that he's looking a little less dead inside, because God, she's still not okay with this. She doesn't know how Steve's managed not to completely fall over with everything he's been up against, lately.

Then again, he's Steve, and she's not really surprised. Stubborn idiot.] Old habits die hard, Rogers. You need the vitamins.

[Which, well. He does. This is just different now, because Steve's tall and strong and healthy, and sometimes, that still feels like a gut punch of relief to realize and remember, that this is permanent, because it means no more nights of worrying over him, praying to anyone who would listen that he'd pull out of whatever illness had knocked him down this time.]

Got any other questions?

[The extra force - actually isn't surprising. It's also actually pretty comforting, even if he might not shove as hard as he normally does for the duration of this flood.

He doesn't fall apart because he can't - it's just that simple. There's no option that involves falling apart, because when he falls apart, it's all over. That's honestly what he believes, and no one's likely to convince him of anything else. Not in the near future. Maybe not in the far one.]

This is you telling me I should lay off the junk food, huh?

[Okay, so he doesn't actually eat a lot of junk food, for a lot of reasons. One being it's just not what they grew up with - oh, sure, not everything was healthy, but when you tended to eat the basics because that's all you could afford or that's all the orphanage gave you, you just got used to it. Another being that yes, he knows he needs the vitamins - Erskine explained the "you are what you eat" thing to him pretty extensively, after he'd been chosen for the test, and how he'd need more food, and higher-quality food. His body can't make something out of nothing, after all, and while it'll do what it has to in order to keep itself healthy, giving it the right tools makes the process a lot easier. He takes that pretty seriously, even if he's been guilty of eating whatever's handy (or particularly appealing and unhealthy) a time or two, too.

All the same, he ends up eating a couple of grapes, a thoughtful look on his face.] Not off the top of my head. It's just still a little strange. I'd ask you to tell me what's different, but, [he laughs a little.] There's nothing for you to compare it to. I guess we'll just figure out out as we go. [And he expects her to tell him if he gets weird without meaning to. Because he might. But he still wants to be clear about a few things, like:] You probably already know, but... everything here's yours, if you need it.

[And okay, maybe it's not a question, per se, but,] I don't know if you'd like those standard-issue bunks Bucky's got in his room as much as he seems to.

[He tries to sound witty and funny saying it. Although it's not like Steve actually minds those bunks, either. And honestly, after spending the night over there, coming back here and sleeping in his bed feels like... cheating. Like he doesn't deserve it. He's not actually sorry that most nights, he's either in those bunks or on the floor or the couch, here. That feels better. There's something in him that doesn't like having a place this nice, when Bucky's perfectly satisfied with what he's got. Steve would have been satisfied with that, too, really. It's just not what he ended up with. It's not what he really knows, anymore. And it just serves to remind him that he made out a lot better than Bucky, regardless of what happened.]

[Becky does already know, although it's nice to hear it out loud, considering how the morning had started off. It's kind of hard not to laugh about what he'd probably been thinking when he'd woken up, although she'd imagine it'd probably be weird for Bucky to wake up next to some girl named Steph, or Sue or whatever.

(She's also pleased that he takes the grapes without further complaint. She'd always tried to trick him into eating more food, no matter what it was or how little they had, because he'd needed it more. She'd always find a way to get by.)

She takes a couple bites of the pancakes and listens, trying to think of anything that's really worth noting that might be different - most of it isn't really stuff she wants to talk about, like the time her first boyfriend had dumped her and she'd bawled her eyes out like an idiot, and Steve hadn't really known what to do with her, but he'd tried to calm her down with a blanket and tea and promises that he'd give the guy a black eye if she wanted him to - but then he stumbles upon a difference anyway, and she looks at him with some confusion.]

Mine's supposed to be a hotel room. Hell of a lot nicer than what you're talking about. [Well, it's not the Ritz, and she'd had to share it with a couple other people - secretaries and clerks, and operators and stuff like that - but, well. Better than army issue bunks, that's for sure.

Not ideal when you have a tough time sleeping and keep waking people up screaming, but she's been better at trying to keep quiet about it, after some of the other girls had started asking questions and getting nervous.] It's where they stuck me when we weren't running around shooting Nazis and HYDRA guys.

[But she's been sleeping here, too. Or at least, she thinks she has been, either on the floor or curled up on the couch, or maybe once or twice hogging one side of the bed. It's a lot different from the ones she's slept on in the past, but she kind of likes it.

Definitely more than some cot, anyway.

(By the way, Steve, she would pummel you just as much as Bucky would if you let on what your real train of thought is, here.)]

He really likes those? Everyone I've ever met can't stop bitching about them.

[Steve's only taking the grapes now because it's not like Becky doesn't have access to plenty more, if she wants them. It's why he got them plenty of food. He's always noticed how Bucky gave him the bigger "half" of things, but it's never been any use pointing it out. Steve just always tried to make it up to him in other ways. He supposes if Becky pulled the same stunt… he would have done the same for her, too.

Besides, it's just one more mannerism that is comfortable and comforting, even if he's used to a best friend that's not female.

Although right now, he - she - is, and that gets a little more obvious when she pipes up about the room.] Oh - huh. Yeah. [That makes sense. The women nurses - hell, even Peggy - always managed to get better accomodations, not that anyone had minded. And the way Becky says stuck me definitely tell him she would've been happy to sleep on those Army-issue bunks, if it meant giving a nicer bed up to someone who needed it.

And for the duration of this flood, she's still welcome to sleep here. Steve can't promise he'll act exactly like Becky expects, but he's had to share close quarters with a woman once or twice before - namely, Natasha. He managed all right. And he's pretty sure Becky won't take any awkwardness from him - she'll call him on it, and he doesn't think he minds.]

I don't know if he likes them, so much as… it's what he's used to, the way you're used to that hotel room. [He shrugs a little sheepishly - he just can't help feeling that guilt.] The way I'm kind of used to this.

[Besides… he might not actually admit this to Bucky, but he's not thinking that Bucky might remember everything that happened when this is over, because he says,] I don't think I blame him, in a way. The alternative's our apartment, probably, and… [Even Steve isn't sure he'd want to live in a cabin that was fashioned after their place, in Brooklyn. It would hurt too much.]

[That, and she hadn't liked feeling like she was different, or needed special treatment when she was doing the same thing as the guys. And it'd been kind of hard, to be part of the team but still separate, especially when Becky probably would've liked having more opportunity to bother Steve when she couldn't sleep.

And she'll definitely be hanging out around here unless Steve kicks her out, and she kind of gets the feeling he won't. He's had plenty of opportunity to do so already, really.

(Don't worry, she will totally call him out, too. She's never been shy about doing it before.)

Becky listens as he explains, and it's still sort of weird, to think about this other version of her. She's thought about it before, obviously, of how things would be different if she was born a guy, and here she is listening to Steve talk about Bucky like he's a real person. Who's just like her. And yeah, it's a little weird.

It gets worse when he trails off, because, well. Maybe she'd hoped, a little bit.

(Probably stupid to. Of course he'd have still been willing to die to save Steve, and even if it didn't happen on the train, it could have happened a million other places.)]

Yeah. [She knows what he means, and her face falls a little, even as she tries to force a smile, and act like it's not that big of a deal.]

I mean, I didn't ask for it back, either.

[It would hurt too much. She hasn't been back there in years, and now it's not an option anymore. They're dead. Sometimes she feels like a ghost just hanging around here with Steve at all, and it'd be ten times worse in their old apartment.]

[If there's anything Steve would believe about Becky, it's the fact that she wouldn't want to be treated differently. She really is like Bucky, just as a girl, and that means she swears and pushes him and doesn't take crap from him and he's pretty sure if he tried to hold open a door for her (at least, with the pretense of her not being able to get it for herself), she'd never let him hear the end of it.

And he definitely believes she doesn't want to live in their old apartment any more than Bucky does.]

Yeah. But in the meantime… uh, we might want to ask one of the girls to lend you something to wear.

[He grins a little bemusedly, just because he kind of figures she doesn't want to spend this entire flood in clothes she's swimming in - or in Bucky's uniforms, even if they're the closest thing to hers she's going to get.] Bucky doesn't have a very big wardrobe. Although he probably wouldn't mind if you borrowed it - I mean, I don't think he'd mind if you borrowed anything.

[You kind of are the same person?

But Steve doesn't have much for her to wear, either, because everything he's got to offer her is going to be the same brand of too big.] I'm pretty sure you won't be the only one asking to switch clothes, though.

[Although then he thinks of something, and asks, curious -] Is Helena your inmate, too?

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