imfollowinghim | thirty ✪ text

[Bucky's been avoiding announcing that he's back, and that he remembers. He's still uncomfortable being out in public with people staring at him, even though he has been out more than he had been when he first got back. Morgana cut his hair, and he's showering and shaving regularly, so he looks a little more like himself (except he's not wearing combat uniforms, and he's still covering up his left arm with long sleeves and a glove), but there's still something tense and on edge about him, something hollow and dead in his expression.

But something about Arthas' announcement, his manifesto, that because he's been wronged he's allowed to take this ship and everyone on it down with him makes something stir in him, something that sounds like Zola's saw and the hiss of the cryo pod and Pierce slapping him in the face, and it's hot and cold and angry, and he doesn't want to keep hiding. But he also doesn't know how to reconcile the idea that this is happening because wardens failed, because the system failed, and those people are long gone.

There's a lot he should probably say about himself, too, but Steve's already covered it. Everyone knows what happened, and there's a part of him that's still angry about that.]

i'm back. dillon and jean made me remember.

i'm still a warden. [Even if he's not sure he should be.] it's been a long time, for me.

[A really, really long time.]

[Filtered to Mickey, Jimmy, Stiles, Kira, Mason, Ben, Lydia, and Motorcycle Boy]

sorry.

[For not remembering, or weirding them out. He probably owes them more of an explanation as well, but he can't find the words of it any more than he could for the rest of the ship.]

[Private to Dillon and Jean]

thanks.

[Warden Filter]

who's taking responsibility for arthas?

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

No. [Excuse you, Bucky. You're not just a warden.] You are still my warden.

i'm still your warden.

[Just a simple confirmation, maybe for the sake of both of them. Even if he's not sure he deserves to be.]

[And now that that's been made clear to the whole Barge... she switches the feed to private. Anything more is their own business.]

Good.

are you ok?

good to know.

[It surprises him, and makes him uncomfortable for reasons he knows Mickey probably doesn't get - he doesn't know the details of what he did while he was the Winter Soldier. He doesn't know how much blood's on his hands. He doesn't deserve stuff like this, especially not from someone who's got to be dealing with his own issues and just not saying anything about them because that's usually easier than admitting hey, my life is falling apart.

(Maybe if he'd just been honest with Steve, things would've been different.

But maybe not.)]

i don't know. [He doesn't. But it seems better trying to clarify that he's not telling him to fuck off.] the range is still missing.

[Not that he really trusts himself to be firing a weapon right now, but.]

yeah.

it's bucky, mason.

[There's a pause after that, but like fuck Mickey's going to judge anyone for wanting to get their shitty feelings out by firing bullets into things.]

i can probably fix that

spooky admiral powers

[Steve stares at the screen, and probably writes this message and deletes it at least five times before he finally just hits send.]

Of course you are.

[A warden, stupid.]

[Bucky's not sure what to say to that - not with anyone, but even less so with Steve - so after a long pause, he just ignores it.]

are you affected by what's going on?

["Do you have Admiral powers", he means.]

[Steve's not really expecting a reply at all - he doesn't need acknowledgement of what he said, in either case. It's true, and it will always be true.]

Not as far as I can tell.

You?

no.

[He's relieved. He doesn't want Steve caught up in it, even if it's likely he might be anyway, if things go bad.

And they usually do.]

[That's a relief, too. Steve still can't shake the feeling that Bucky is capable of doing something stupid - to himself - if he felt he deserved it.

He wants to ask a hundred things, but he promised to give Bucky space, and making him face things he doesn't want to face isn't doing that. So instead,] Watch your back, though. Whatever's going on, it's not just limited to wardens.

[And even wardens are capable of making bad choices.

Steve also wishes he was the one watching Bucky's back. But he can't do that right now. Even if he might try, discreetly, if that's even possible.]

watch yours.

[Spoilers, Steve: Bucky will probably be 9,000% more violent against anyone who tries to put a finger on you now.]

Got a shield to cover it and everything, just in case.

[Translation: Steve is shitty at watching his own back but for you, he'll try.]

[Actually...

The question comes a while later, like he's not sure if he should engage at all, and he kind of doesn't, but at the same time, of course he does. He can't not.]

how did you find it?

[After it fell in the river.]

[Honestly, that Bucky's willing to ask seems like a good thing.]

Stark.

I think he likes me owing him one.

[That, and even Tony hadn't wanted HYDRA to get their hands on it. Or the Stark tech powering the helicarriers and the stealth equipment.]

If you need help with anything, let me know? Or... if you wanna chat sometime.

Yeah? Is it?

Fuck off. You said your name was Wilson.

It's not a thing you need to apologize to me for. You're not the first person to come back and find everything upside down.

...But what was it like, to have someone put your memories back?

hard.

[There's a very, very long pause in between Steve's answer and Bucky's response.

Honestly, he's sorry he asked.]

i killed his parents.

[He killed Howard and his wife. He'd liked Howard a lot.]

i lied.

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