imfollowinghim | thirty ✪ text

[Bucky's been avoiding announcing that he's back, and that he remembers. He's still uncomfortable being out in public with people staring at him, even though he has been out more than he had been when he first got back. Morgana cut his hair, and he's showering and shaving regularly, so he looks a little more like himself (except he's not wearing combat uniforms, and he's still covering up his left arm with long sleeves and a glove), but there's still something tense and on edge about him, something hollow and dead in his expression.

But something about Arthas' announcement, his manifesto, that because he's been wronged he's allowed to take this ship and everyone on it down with him makes something stir in him, something that sounds like Zola's saw and the hiss of the cryo pod and Pierce slapping him in the face, and it's hot and cold and angry, and he doesn't want to keep hiding. But he also doesn't know how to reconcile the idea that this is happening because wardens failed, because the system failed, and those people are long gone.

There's a lot he should probably say about himself, too, but Steve's already covered it. Everyone knows what happened, and there's a part of him that's still angry about that.]

i'm back. dillon and jean made me remember.

i'm still a warden. [Even if he's not sure he should be.] it's been a long time, for me.

[A really, really long time.]

[Filtered to Mickey, Jimmy, Stiles, Kira, Mason, Ben, Lydia, and Motorcycle Boy]

sorry.

[For not remembering, or weirding them out. He probably owes them more of an explanation as well, but he can't find the words of it any more than he could for the rest of the ship.]

[Private to Dillon and Jean]

thanks.

[Warden Filter]

who's taking responsibility for arthas?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

hard.

I suppose it would have to be.

What did you remember first?

[Although there's definitely the temptation to say nothing, he doesn't. It's good to know he can just cut this off at the pass whenever he wants.]

steve.

[On the other end, reading that, he nods thoughtfully. That much isn't surprising. He's aware he's pushing, that a whole lot of other people would tell him to fuck off for asking these questions. That's never stopped him before and certainly won't now...but because he has some interest in actually getting to know Bucky past this conversation, he reins himself in. A little.]

He's probably over the moon to have you back. [Probably feeling guilt, still. But hopefully the joy smothers that a little.]

what do you want?

[The trouble with text: he can't claim deafness at a question he doesn't want to answer.

He'll go with the smallest answer.]

My own memories back. Someday. Maybe. I can't tell if it's worth it.

i'd rather be like this than what i was.

Is the delineation that clear?

yes.

You seem very sure, which intrigues me. I suppose I worry that you're never rid of any part of yourself. That I never will be, that I'm not now.

what did steve tell you?

Not much. Steve respects privacy. [And Bucky is a subject Steve plays close to the chest.]

He blames himself for losing you. I think you know that.

i do.

I don't think either of us--or anyone who knows him--wants him to carry that around. Of course, every person has their own private burdens, and they should...but it's the task of friends to ease it when they can, isn't it?

you think i'm trying to guilt trip him?

I hope you aren't the sort of person who would do that.

I hope you're the sort of person who wants something better for him--and you, of course. But I don't know you well enough to know what you would really do.

fuck you.

Wouldn't you rather I meet you from a neutral point, rather than heaping assumptions on you about how you should be?

It doesn't mean I think you're a bad person, Bucky. I don't.

i'm going to ask you again: what do you want?

Has everyone wanted something from you?

you sound like you're looking for something.

I'm not. There's plenty to see without looking.

Are you?

no.

Then it's a good thing you're not an inmate.

probably.

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