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[imfollowinghim]

[Bucky's been avoiding announcing that he's back, and that he remembers. He's still uncomfortable being out in public with people staring at him, even though he has been out more than he had been when he first got back. Morgana cut his hair, and he's showering and shaving regularly, so he looks a little more like himself (except he's not wearing combat uniforms, and he's still covering up his left arm with long sleeves and a glove), but there's still something tense and on edge about him, something hollow and dead in his expression.

But something about Arthas' announcement, his manifesto, that because he's been wronged he's allowed to take this ship and everyone on it down with him makes something stir in him, something that sounds like Zola's saw and the hiss of the cryo pod and Pierce slapping him in the face, and it's hot and cold and angry, and he doesn't want to keep hiding. But he also doesn't know how to reconcile the idea that this is happening because wardens failed, because the system failed, and those people are long gone.

There's a lot he should probably say about himself, too, but Steve's already covered it. Everyone knows what happened, and there's a part of him that's still angry about that.]

i'm back. dillon and jean made me remember.

i'm still a warden. [Even if he's not sure he should be.] it's been a long time, for me.

[A really, really long time.]

[Filtered to Mickey, Jimmy, Stiles, Kira, Mason, Ben, Lydia, and Motorcycle Boy]

sorry.

[For not remembering, or weirding them out. He probably owes them more of an explanation as well, but he can't find the words of it any more than he could for the rest of the ship.]

[Private to Dillon and Jean]

thanks.

[Warden Filter]

who's taking responsibility for arthas?

Comments

private

[imfollowinghim]

are you ok?

private - cw self-harm

[adelphoktonos]

Yes.

[And she is, mostly. She's been using that old pleasurable crutch of hers more often than not lately, going to sleep with her back bloody, waking up to stained sheets. The sweet sting of open wounds is solid, reliable where other things aren't, and even with Bucky back now - changed, yes, but still Bucky - she's clinging to its comfort.

But other than that, yes. She's okay.]

Are you?

private

[imfollowinghim]

better than i was.

private

[adelphoktonos]

What happens now, serzhant?

private

[imfollowinghim]

i don't know.

how were things while i was gone?

private

[adelphoktonos]

I missed you.

[In case that wasn't obvious.]

private

[imfollowinghim]

i'm sorry.

private

[adelphoktonos]

Do you still--

[But no, she stops and doesn't finish. Do you care about me? Do you still want to help me?]

private

[imfollowinghim]

what?

private

[adelphoktonos]

[There's a long silence, then finally, in a voice that sounds like a child's:]

Do you want to be here?

private

[imfollowinghim]

[He feels like he should turn on the audio, or video, but he just... he can't. This is so much harder than he'd realized it would be, even if he's really only had a couple days to think about it.]

i'm not leaving again.

not if i get a choice.

private

[adelphoktonos]

You didn't want to go.

[Her voice wavers at the end, an almost-question; she wants to ask it but can't quite force it into the right shape. (What if some part of him wanted to go?) Trust is hard and it hurt when he was gone.]

private

[imfollowinghim]

no, i didn't.

private

[adelphoktonos]

[There's a long silence, then, quietly:]

I still want you.

private

[imfollowinghim]

[Finally, after a couple seconds of nothing, Bucky clicks on the audio feed, because maybe this will be better for her to hear.]

I'm not going anywhere.

private

[adelphoktonos]

[It is better. The familiar tones of his voice sinks inside her like a stone in water, going deep. There's a short silence, then:]

What are you here for now?

private

[imfollowinghim]

You and Steve.

[And there was zero hesitation in answering that time.]

private

[adelphoktonos]

He doesn't blame you.

private

[imfollowinghim]

He told you what happened?

[He doesn't sound angry or affronted. Just a little confused.]

private

[adelphoktonos]

He told the ship.

[There's a disconnect here, something that doesn't quite sit right. Her confusion mirrors his, not extreme but definitely there.]

Did he tell it all?

private

[imfollowinghim]

No.

[And the guilt is so, so obvious as he continues.]

HYDRA sent me to kill him. I would have, but he broke through the brainwashing enough that I hesitated.

private

[adelphoktonos]

[There's a moment where she says nothing, simply because the memory of crouching over Sarah sprawled on her back, knees digging into the sharp gravel, the blossoming something that had made her hesitate before she even knew her sestra's name-- The parallel almost takes her breath away.]

They should have known better. They should have known not to send you.

private

[imfollowinghim]

[That's right. Helena had felt it, too, sensed some important connection to her target and stopped. If nothing else, it's something they should both count their blessings for, that someone else hadn't been sent after Sarah and Steve.]

Good thing they screwed up.

private

[adelphoktonos]

[She smiles, then, even though he can't see it over audio. It's not a nice smile at all, not a happy one.]

Yes. It is good.

private

[imfollowinghim]

Did they know Sarah was your sister when they sent you?