Bucky Barnes (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
imfollowinghim) wrote2015-02-16 02:02 am
imfollowinghim) wrote2015-02-16 02:02 am
twenty six ✪ spam
[Open Spam, backdated to the start of the breach]
[Stepping back inside the Shatterdome feels like coming home, only to discover a different family's moved in, or everything you've known has been destroyed in a fire, or flood, or some other natural disaster, and Bucky - James Rogers, copilot of the Jaeger First Avenger, who'd been ripped out of the cockpit by a Kaiju eight months ago and presumed dead even after his body had never washed up - finds himself suddenly wishing he'd never returned.
It's an entirely irrational thought, borne of sudden unease and a throbbing headache along the line of scar tissue from the head wound he'd suffered in the incident, which might be more psychosomatic than not. But Helena's still here, and she doesn't look like she's about to bolt, so he does his best to just ignore the intense feelings that he doesn't belong here anymore, not after he's been crippled, not when he still has issues with memory. They're already making noises about putting him back in the cockpit, and what if he can't?
The one thing he'd asked when they'd first made contact was that he didn't want them telling Steve anything until he got here. At least it looks like they'd followed through on that much.
He and Helena take the rest of the afternoon to reacquaint themselves and get their bearings, and Bucky does his best to avoid drawing attention to himself, or get recognized. It sort of works - he's not clean shaven, his hair's longer, he's missing an arm and he's got a baseball cap tugged down low over his eyes - but as he wanders around the mess hall and the hangers, he realizes he's started to look specifically for friends and old acquaintances, even if he's still not sure coming back here was a good idea at all.
(And, really, he's looking for Steve.)]
[Spam for Helena]
[Part of him definitely thinks this is moving too fast. They've both only been here for a couple hours, really, barely two days, and they already want him testing out if he's able to drift again? If Helena is? What if they're not?
But the other part of him's so desperate for something normal, to just pretend like the incident didn't happen and he didn't spend months in a hospital and isn't totally fucked for the rest of his stupid life just sitting on the sidelines letting other people do his job, and so he agrees. Yeah. Sure. Let's do this, let's see how it goes, and if it's a fucking disaster, at least he'll know.
So he chokes down whatever frustration or nerves he's got roiling in him and finishes suiting up. He's getting better at doing things like this all right handed, glancing over at Helena when it's done.]
Are you sure about this?
[Stepping back inside the Shatterdome feels like coming home, only to discover a different family's moved in, or everything you've known has been destroyed in a fire, or flood, or some other natural disaster, and Bucky - James Rogers, copilot of the Jaeger First Avenger, who'd been ripped out of the cockpit by a Kaiju eight months ago and presumed dead even after his body had never washed up - finds himself suddenly wishing he'd never returned.
It's an entirely irrational thought, borne of sudden unease and a throbbing headache along the line of scar tissue from the head wound he'd suffered in the incident, which might be more psychosomatic than not. But Helena's still here, and she doesn't look like she's about to bolt, so he does his best to just ignore the intense feelings that he doesn't belong here anymore, not after he's been crippled, not when he still has issues with memory. They're already making noises about putting him back in the cockpit, and what if he can't?
The one thing he'd asked when they'd first made contact was that he didn't want them telling Steve anything until he got here. At least it looks like they'd followed through on that much.
He and Helena take the rest of the afternoon to reacquaint themselves and get their bearings, and Bucky does his best to avoid drawing attention to himself, or get recognized. It sort of works - he's not clean shaven, his hair's longer, he's missing an arm and he's got a baseball cap tugged down low over his eyes - but as he wanders around the mess hall and the hangers, he realizes he's started to look specifically for friends and old acquaintances, even if he's still not sure coming back here was a good idea at all.
(And, really, he's looking for Steve.)]
[Spam for Helena]
[Part of him definitely thinks this is moving too fast. They've both only been here for a couple hours, really, barely two days, and they already want him testing out if he's able to drift again? If Helena is? What if they're not?
But the other part of him's so desperate for something normal, to just pretend like the incident didn't happen and he didn't spend months in a hospital and isn't totally fucked for the rest of his stupid life just sitting on the sidelines letting other people do his job, and so he agrees. Yeah. Sure. Let's do this, let's see how it goes, and if it's a fucking disaster, at least he'll know.
So he chokes down whatever frustration or nerves he's got roiling in him and finishes suiting up. He's getting better at doing things like this all right handed, glancing over at Helena when it's done.]
Are you sure about this?
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You prepare yourself for it, of course; it's always a high possibility, hanging over everything. But that doesn't make it much easier, no matter how many times it happens.
And Bucky - they used to joke about racing their Jaegers, and making up wild choreographies. She wishes they'd managed to do it, before she lost Annie. The memories would have been worth the penalisations.
He managed to make her laugh, even after.
So she almost thinks she's dreaming again, when she sees him. But no - in her dreams he's smiling, or smirking, or laughing. In her dreams he's happy and hopeful and whole.]
Bucky?
[Her voice cracks, and she immediately regrets it, because she must be mistaken, it can't really be - ]
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(Part of him feels the absence of Helena just as acutely, as she's pretty much been the one constant thing in his life since he got pulled out of the water.)
So Jean gets a small, pained smile in response, because yeah. It is him.]
Hey.
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It's really you.
[Her voice is steadier, now, but soft. Stunned.]
I - can I hug you? [She has so many question, but that's the most important.]
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Yeah. [That's fine. More than fine. Even if he looks a little shy or unsure, or just sad, because he's frustrated with himself for letting all this happen in the first place.]
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It's okay. [It's not. But he doesn't really know what else to say.]
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And pilots - all pilots, if they let her close enough - are family, the big brash clan nestled in the midst of the mechanics and support staff.
She's not a kid anymore, and she wasn't a kid eight months ago either, was already a blooded ranger with a few years' experience, but he knew her when she was still a kid, trailing after any pilot who'd let her, gave her candy a few times and told her silly stories. She turns a corner and sees him, nervous and skulking, and doesn't even try not to rush in for a hug.]
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So the hug catches him off guard, but not by much, and it's easy to hug her back, even if it's just one armed.
(It's still strange not to have the other arm to wrap around her, too.)]
Hey, squirt.
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Steve's got his back to most of the room, keeping to himself, because for all that he's still got friends - and even maybe sort of a girlfriend? - he's had a hard time staying connected with them, these past months. Bucky was always the more social of the two of them, Steve just following his lead, letting Bucky's friends become his friends, by default. Maybe that's why he's having trouble now, although a new partner that he doesn't get along with effortlessly isn't helping things much. He's never spent so much time alone in his life, but while he doesn't like it, he doesn't dislike it enough to have done overly much about it.
So that figure passes by, almost unnoticed - but not quite. There's something familiar, somehow, that catches Steve's attention, sending a shiver down his spine as he turns to figure out what - who - it was, and when he suddenly gets a better look at the face... he just stares.
And stares. And can't stop, his mouth falling open a little, even though nothing's coming out, just yet.]
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So he lingers when he finally spots Steve, hesitating, not sure how to approach him but badly wanting to, because he's been waiting for this moment for a long, long time. Steve's his little brother, and they're each the other's only family, and he's really just glad to see that he's okay. Part of him's even a little tempted to just turn around and let Steve finish his food before springing this on him, but he hesitates too long, and then Steve's seen him and he's glad he didn't move.
He tries to smile. It comes out very fractured.]
Hey, Steve.
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Maybe that's why he's never really gotten any closure. That, and the lack of a body, and the lack of his ability to go search for one, for a hundred different reasons. He almost hadn't wanted to, hadn't known what he'd do if he found one, anyway.
But even so, for a split second, he doesn't know how he can be seeing what he's seeing. That smile isn't like Bucky at all - but there's this little bit of it that is, and after that one second, Steve's dropped his fork and is barreling toward his brother, not actually caring about anything other than touching him, proving he's real, so have your slightly larger tank of a younger brother approaching, and fast.] Buck? What the hell - you are way too late for it to be fashionable.
[Months and months and oh God please be real, he knew you couldn't be dead you idiot.]
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Sorry. [Really. He should have been here sooner. He hasn't really been well until recently, but he still could have been here sooner.] Turns out Kaijus've got a better left hook than that asshole on Delancy back home.
[He doesn't quite reach out to him, even if he knows he's probably a milisecond away from being pulled into a crushing hug, but there's so much weird hesitance in him about this whole thing, like maybe he did kind of die when he got ripped out of the cockpit and he's just not really that Bucky Rogers anymore.
But he really missed Steve. And it's really good to see him.]
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[It's about then that he reaches Bucky and yeah, crushing hug is a go, Steve doesn't care whether it's going to make his brother uncomfortable or not. Because the important thing is, Bucky doesn't disappear the instant Steve touches him; that fact makes Steve both cling tighter and relax minutely, all at the same time.
But it's impossible to tell, suddenly, with his arms around his brother that - ]
Oh -
He lets go, suddenly, blinking a little dumbly at Bucky's left side.
He remembers a lot of searing pain, but it was hard to work out what hurt more, or what was going on, there was so much confusion and panic.]
spam
Bucky shifts uncomfortably under the worried stare, looking away.]
I'm fine, Steve.
[It's different, an adjustment, a fucking huge one, but. He's alive.]
I would've come back sooner, but- um... [He clears his throat uncomfortably, guilt obvious in every inch of him as he gestures vaguely at his head even if the hat and his longer hair hide the scarring.] I had a hard time remembering, at first.
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(She might care a little. She won't admit it.)
After it's come out that he's back - after she's seen the hesitance in Steve - T'Pol slips away to hunt him down. It's not difficult to find him, despite the way he hides himself, and that only because she's looking for someone she doesn't recognize. Which in truth should be most, but she's very good at observation. There are a to of faces she knows at least on sight, and his isn't one of them.
She's in civilian clothes when she finds him in the hanger, calling out to stop him even though it feels like she's addressing the wrong person.]
Rogers.
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But they've been doing this for a month or two, apparently, and Steve's still alive, so maybe he should give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe.
Mostly, he's just wondering if coming back here at all was a good idea.
He turns around at his name, surprised, and while he doesn't recognize her immediately, he can guess who she is.]
T'Pol.
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(She's not sure when she really began thinking of it as her Jaeger.)
Clasping her hands behind her back, T'Pol stands tall and straight, every inch the sort of woman that is used to and tired of being overlooked.]
Do you intend to return to the First Avenger?
[lead up, what lead up]
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(Maybe a little bit her, if only because that was his Jaeger he piloted for years, and Steve's his brother and his partner, and he almost died trying to save the world. What right does she have to act like she's more entitled to pilot it than he is?
Except she is, and that's sort of the problem.)]
Do you seriously think they want a cripple flying their six billion dollar toy robot?
[It's utterly deadpan, because seriously. Seriously. There's been some talk, yeah, because they need pilots and he and Helena are experienced ones, but that doesn't change what happened to them. Even without the psychological trauma, he's missing a fucking arm and split his skull open, he's not exactly a perfect fit for the job anymore.]
no subject
She knows how ridiculous that is. He's hardly in any position to best her.]
There's been talk of you getting back in a six billion dollar toy robot. Nothing so far on which.
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Except she does, because she's been in the drift with him, and Bucky starts wondering if he should just leave.]
You gonna start peeing in a circle around Steve too?
LITERALLY THE ONLY TIME SHE WILL EVER SAY DICK
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And yet here she is.
Finally, glancing over at him, reaching up to tie her mass of hair back from her face, she nods, speaking in her quietly-accented voice.]
We can do it.
[You can do it, maybe she means to say. Or I trust you or they need us or we need this. All of it. At least it comes out sounding more sure than she feels. She's not sure but she wants to do it; she's determined. Bucky is her life, now, and he needs this, so she'll do it. (Maybe there's a part of her that needs it too, that's humming with excitement and the good kind of nerves behind the scenes of her brain.)
She doesn't bother to elaborate. He'll know soon enough.]
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But he wants to do it all the same, and he hopes Helena does too. That bringing her back here wasn't a huge mistake. He can only hope it's not.]
You ready?
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I'm ready.
[The jaeger they're piloting is a repaired and upgraded version of Gemini Stalker, the robot Sarah had died in. It adds another layer of unreality to this whole thing, to be somewhere familiar but not, with a co-pilot familiar but not. It's hard to put that out of her mind, but she tries, slipping her helmet on and squaring her shoulders, stepping up to take the lead on the way to the cockpit, to those (familiar but not) harnesses and screens.]
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Once they're inside, getting strapped in, he closes his eyes, trying not to grit his teeth too hard at the familiar whir and grind of the machine coming to life.]
Helena, [He gets out, breathing surprisingly steady. Somehow, his voice is almost calm, too.]
If something goes wrong-
[He's not sure he can finish the thought. Disconnect, he means. Bail out. Don't get caught up in my head.]
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We can do it, [she repeats, the whir of the machines ramping up anxiety in the pit of her stomach, making her fierce.]
Don't get lost.
[Because if he chases the rabbit of memory and loses himself, she can't bail out and leave him. She can't.]
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