imfollowinghim | thirteen ✪ voice & spam

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thirteen ✪ voice & spam

[Bucky sounds somewhere between pissed off and totally burnt out and hollow when he clicks on the comm, because boy, does he have an announcement for you.]

Helena just killed Cosima Niehaus. She jumped her in an empty cabin, she knows her from back home. Sort of.

[It's a little confusing and definitely private, so Bucky doesn't feel like getting into it on a public feed like this.]

I'm bringing Cosima to the infirmary, and I'm not putting Helena in Zero, [Because he's been down there and he's not sure how he feels about it - had he stuck Ben in there? He thinks maybe he did, and it makes him feel a little sick to his stomach - especially given Helena's been locked up before and he doesn't want her thinking this is like that.] But she's on house arrest in her room until I figure out how to get her to cut this shit out.

[Private to Ben]

Can I pick your brain about something?

[Three guesses what it's about.]

[Open Spam]

[After Bucky's brought Cosima to the infirmary and made sure Helena's still in her room, he knows he needs some space. He can't go right into talking to Helena while he's somewhere between furious and emotionally flatlining, because he's mad, but he knows this isn't entirely her fault, and he doesn't know what to do with it, or how to move forward.

Funny, but he thinks he remembers something like this happening forever ago. That might have been part of the reason he'd bothered Ben.

He's pissed. At himself, mostly, so it's easy to head down to the gym, pull off his uniform jacket, wrap his hands and start focusing on beating the shit out of a punching bag instead of thinking about anything else. He'd learned how to box young - his dad had taught him some, and then he'd learned more as he'd got older, partly out of necessity (he could earn money for winning fights, and it never hurt to know how to throw a mean punch when your best friend was hell bent on taking on every bully in New York, let alone Brooklyn) and partly because he'd just been good at it.

So he attacks the bag like he knows what he's doing, because he does, and there's something almost mechanical and vicious about it, not to mention the look on his face. The bag's not in danger of getting ripped out of the ceiling, but it still swings forcefully, maybe even a little more than it probably should.

After a while, he heads back to his room to hose himself off, and hits up the dining hall. He's changed into his Commandos jacket, and slips a couple things into his jacket pockets - an apple, a roll wrapped in a paper napkin - before heading on his way. He doesn't really have time to sit and eat enough lunch for two people today.

Because he does, after all, have two other stops he needs to make:]

[Spam for Helena]

[Once he's calmed down enough to do this the right way, instead of just scowling at her and hoping that did something marginally productive, Bucky heads back to Helena's room. It's part of the reason he'd stopped by the dining hall first, besides just being hungry - maybe the food can act as some kind of peace offering for sticking her in here in the first place.

Even if the reason it'd happened was because she killed someone.

He takes a breath before knocking on the door, just to give her a head's up someone's outside.]

It's Bucky. I'm coming in. [And then he's pushing open the door, not entirely certain of what he's stepping into.]

[Spam for Cosima]

[And after that's done, it's time for the harder part of this messy little operation: apologizing to the person your inmate attacked and killed within like, a couple hours of them showing up here in the first place.

This is made worse by the fact that it doesn't seem like she's awake when he first gets there, which means he's just. Going to awkwardly loiter around trying not to look too out of place or uncomfortable just waiting around here for signs of life or movement. Maybe he should've waited a while longer - he remembers the death toll and how bad it sucks - but he kind of feels like this shouldn't wait, even if it's just a short visit. It's not like either one of them's going anywhere for a while, although she's a little more stuck than he is.

So, hi. There's a stranger sort of awkwardly hanging around your hospital bed, wearing a uniform that might not look entirely unfamiliar to you.]

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No. No, never. [There's an earnest intensity in her voice. She's not offended at the question - anyone would ask, she thinks - but she needs him to know she wouldn't. That Charles taught her better than that.]

All he did was light the way.

[look spyworld is its own world, okay.

Bond nods once, leaning one arm against the bag.]

She could probably do with hearing the truth.

[There's a note of irony in his voice, as if to say obviously, what the hell else are men like them supposed to do with that.]

That's okay. Offer's on the table, whenever you want it.

[She deserves to feel comfortable, and safe, and if she feels that way here, well. He'll try to get behind that.

But a better cabin might be a good thing to have.]

You know Jean?

[If Bucky had asked, of course, the answer would have been no. Steve hadn't ever minded company, because the company had been either his mom or Bucky, and both of them had meant more to him than anything else, including how lousy he felt. He knows Bucky's not fond of being in a position where he can't do anything, and when Steve was in the hospital was the height of those times. So the fact that Bucky came, and stuck around, always meant a hell of a lot, even if Bucky felt like it wasn't even a choice.

So he nods.] I figured it might be. [Even with doctors coming and going, hospitals are always kind of lonely. A little impersonal. Even in a closed system like this one, he imagines it might be a little bit the same.

Still - Bucky's not wrong, in wishing that someone like Howard was around. Steve kind of wishes the same thing. Neither of them is exactly a scientist, or even really science-minded. They're just better at other things, is all.] Well, I've met Dr. Banner before. I can talk to him. [Although -] I feel like the best person to talk to might be Cosima. She said she was a biologist. Maybe she'd be willing to explain. [He can't guarantee she wouldn't be biased, of course, but it might be a start.] I have a feeling that… whatever happens with you helping Helena, Cosima's going to need to be a part of it. Even if it's just getting Helena to treat Cosima like a person.

[He glances at Helena's door.] She must have been through a lot. [He's not asking Bucky to explain, just sort of thinking out loud. Maybe a little about his own situation, too.] But having good people on her side… that's going to make a difference. [Meaning, most certainly, Bucky. If anyone is a stubborn idiot of a loyal friend, it's Bucky.]

[She's glad when he lets it go, doesn't push. It's a lot to think about, a lot of choice, which she's never had before. The new topic of conversation is welcome. She nods.]

I know her. [Jean is nice, even if the power she has is almost terrifying.]

[He believes her, even though the whole thing still makes him squirm a little uncomfortably.]

So, is that it? [He doesn't mean it offensively, he's just. Curious. And still a little bit stressed out, except this time it has a little to do with the fact that he's not sure how much this is going to help someone who doesn't have hardly any happy memories to focus on. If Helena even agrees to it.]

She had an idea she wanted me to run by you. And if this is all too much for one day or whatever, lemme know, okay? [Because she's got a lot to think about and process, and he doesn't want to totally overwhelm her.]

But she- you know what she can do?

She has. Been through a lot. [He'd been tortured and experimented on for what, a week? Two? A month? He's never really been sure, but regardless, that had left him feeling like a shell of a human being for a while, and he still grapples with it, sometimes. Some scars don't ever go away, and the best you can do is just kind of ignore them in hopes they'll go away on their own.

He has no idea what it was like for her, to be beaten and ridiculed and brainwashed by literally everyone she's ever known. The nuns, Tomas, Maggie Chen, all of them. And he hates that she's not the only person who's had this happen to them, who've been trained as killers and weapons instead of treated like people.]

I think she can do it. I just don't want people trying to make her out to be some kinda monster if she slips up again. [And he knows it's less an if and more a when, because Helena knows how to kill and how to hurt and how to maim, and those are unfortunately her go to responses to stuff like this.

Bucky's brow furrows in thought, and his expression goes a little distant, like he's trying to remember something he can't quite wrap his mind around which, well. He is.]

I think people tried doing that to Ben, once. When he freaked out at some guy.

[The details are still hazy, and as much as he tries, he can't force them to get any clearer. But Ben had definitely jumped some guy, and people had been pissed about it. Maybe more than once.

Bucky hasn't talked a lot about his previous time on the Barge with Steve, mostly because the patchiness of the memories don't help it make a lot of sense, so it's easy enough to just shake his head a little - like he's brushing off a nightmare - and just keeps moving forward.]

She said she was a biologist? I didn't actually see what she said, before- you know. [Helena murdered her.]

We're working on it, pal. [Hearing it and hearing it though, well. That gets complicated. Obviously.]

So, when you're not offering to play babysitter, how do you keep busy? When you're not getting your ass kicked in the shooting range, anyway.

[You still like some friendly competition and overconfidence, right??]

Maybe. [She's not sure either, not really. She had a normal childhood, before Annie died in her arms - a loving family and a bright future. She can't change Helena's past.]

I won't - change anything, I can tell you that. But I can help her change herself. Find new ways to live.

[She's quiet, for a moment. She watches the sun set above them, listens to laughter ages old.]

I know a man, back home.

[And the world shifts. Below, above, around, there is a man - short and sturdy, frayed and grizzled. He's kneeling by an ancient tree, cupping a baby bird in his hands. They're strong and rough and scarred, but their hold is impossibly gentle.]

Logan doesn't remember who he was, before people made him into a weapon. For years, all he did was kill. Even when he broke free - it's a part of himself he can't escape.

[Bucky watches, lets it happen, and takes in the scene with careful curiosity, not wanting to disturb anything or jostle the memory too much.

Or intrude, really, even if he does want to know more. He's known half a dozen and more guys who could fit this image, even if their memories were intact: people who looked tough and hardened and utterly unfriendly who were still capable of compassion.

He's seen it go the other way around, too, but.]

Why doesn't he remember?

At first, Charles thought it was just trauma. The things they did to him...

[Her lips curl. She doesn't know all the specifics, all the details, but she knows enough to hate them for it.]

But after working with him - it was on purpose. They wiped him clean so they could build him into whatever they wanted.

[The bird chirps weakly in Logan's hands. It's too weak to fly, but it flutters against his fingers.

Slowly, his claws slide out, forming a sharp, gleaming cage.]

[Bucky's eyes can't widen, since he's still got them squeezed shut, but there's still sort of that sense of shock, both because of the claws and what she said.

He hasn't been brainwashed, but the rest - trauma, experimentation, making you into a weapon - does feel familiar.

More familiar than he wants it to be.]

Did they do that to him?

Yes. It's all over his skeleton - adamantium, unbreakable metal.

[It would be so easy for him, to end that little life. Clean, and quick, and maybe kind.

She remembers asking him to kill her. She's careful not to let it show.]

They could do it because - he's like me, a mutant. His power is healing. He can recover from most anything.

Something tells me I don't get much choice in the matter.

[ It's not unkind, it's just an observation. Cosima knows that, at the very least, at least she would feel some sort of sense of responsibility, and she figures Bucky does too. Given that, she's not about to kick him out, exhausted as she might be.

Plus, it doesn't hurt to have somebody on standby when you feel like utter crap, however scared out of her shoes she actually is or not.

She's leaning towards 'is'. ]

Well, Mr. Man, nobody's stopping you. [ She settles in with a half a smile of her own, fleeting and quiet, but definitely a smile. ] Why? Did you actually bring cards?

Almost.

[He thinks/says it almost without meaning to, and there's a line of bitterness there that's more than he wants to show anyone, but it's there.

He shakes himself, suddenly uncomfortable and feeling guilty.]

I'm not- I don't care that you're a mutant. That's not why I was [Terrified?] Freaked out.

[His best friend can bend metal with his bare hands, and Bucky's a living, breathing science experiment gone wrong. It would be sort of hypocritical to be uncomfortable because of what they can do.]

Yeah, actually. [Bucky's answering grin is somewhere between sheepish and cheeky, because he is totally not shitting you right now. He reaches into one of the pouches on his belt and pulls out a battered pack of playing cards, which he's holding up and out for inspection.]

You'd be surprised how much sitting around waiting for something to happen goes on during a war. A couple of my buddies and I started carrying 'em around for when we got bored.

[And he'd usually kept one nearby back home, too, for when Steve was laid up with a cold or whatever else.]

[It is getting a little much, but she's also curious, so she doesn't protest yet.]

A little. [She remembers that first day, meeting Jean on the deck, seeing her hair float around her head, her eyes burning with white fire. I won't hurt you, she'd said. No one will hurt you.]

I know. [The suspicion is always there, gnawing at the back of her mind, even if people show no fear or discomfort. She's so used to being hated.

But she's seen inside him, now.]

Telepathy is - it's a powerful, dangerous thing. And it can be...it can be abused.

[Her own bitterness sears through them, just for a moment, chased by guilt.]

I won't lie to you, and say I'm never tempted to...overstep my boundaries. But not - not with people I care about. [She would never meddle in Morgana's mind, or Anya's.] And I care about Helena. [There's a desperate, aching sincerity in the words.

The bird has rested enough; slowly, Logan's claws retract, as he reaches up and sets it on a low branch.

It's all about choices.]

She wants to use it to help you. She tried it out on me first, [And he'd been absolutely terrified, but he'd done it anyway because he wanted to make sure it was safe, and he'd rather test it out on him before handing her over and expecting the best.

(The gouges his fingernails had torn into his palms have already scabbed over and look a couple days old, even though it's only been a couple hours.)] It's safe.

I trust you. [He believes her, because she sounds like she means it, and it kind of feels like it'd be hard for her to lie about this, when they're talking like this. Jean's a good person.]

You could've messed around with me, and I don't think you have.

[He watches the rest of the scene play out with Logan and the bird, and he can't help but ask, even if he still feels like it's probably not his business.]

He going to be okay?

How? [Her head tilts as she glances over to him, her hair spilling forward. She can't see what Jean could do, what her magic could do; she doesn't understand it well enough to even guess.] What does she want to do?

[That trust means more than she could possibly express; she just lets him feel some of her gratitude, before turning her focus back to her own memory.]

I...I hope so. He's not alone, any more. [And that can make all the difference, can't it?]

She wants to help you focus on good stuff. Memories, people, whatever makes you happy. [Which he knows it's a lot, because Helena's had a really shitty, unfair hand of cards dealt to her over the years.] It helped her out when she was going through some bad stuff. Another telepath helped her remember there was some good stuff in the world, even when she wasn't sure of it anymore.

[It's strange feeling other people's emotions like this. Bucky's not sure how well he'd do as a telepath, because this is pretty overwhelming, and he's only been doing it for a couple minutes.]

Good. [Maybe that means there's some hope for him and Helena, too.]

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thirteen ✪ voice & spam

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