four ✪ spam & audio

[imfollowinghim]

[Open Spam]

[Bucky wakes up in his room feeling good. Great, even. Like himself again, and it's once he makes that realization - that he wasn't himself - that a lot of anger floods in, settles itself in his chest, and he's up and out of bed in an instant, needing to do something.

So instead of heading to the dining hall or the library, he goes right to the gym to beat the hell out of a punching bag until his hands are bloody, the firing range even if the targets aren't a challenge for him at all and the CES to go for a run until he's sweaty and out of breath. (The last one takes a while. Like, longer than it probably should, beyond just feeling physically fine after getting sucked through the door.) He's still wearing his uniform, and might have visible weapons on him on the run. In the gym, he's stripped down to a white t-shirt with the SSR logo on it, and the gun's nowhere in sight.

Eventually, he sheepishly wanders into the infirmary to clean up his hands, and then heads back to his room, fully intending on collapsing on the bottom bunk and just. Staring a hole in the mattress above him until he feels like actually sleeping.

Or, you know, a cat pretending to be a transgenic might have broken in while he was out, but regardless.]

[Public Audio]

[Later, Bucky clicks on the comm, takes a breath to say something, and then... hesitates. Because fuck if he knows what to say. He knows logically that it wasn't his fault, that it wasn't him, but he still feels like he needs to apologize, or say something about what happened.]

I'm sorry. I know that's not- I know he wasn't-

[He can't explain. Doesn't want to explain, doesn't feel like he should have to explain why he'd never want to work for the people who'd tortured and experimented on him, who've killed more good men (and probably women and kids, too, it's not like they'd had morals) than anyone's ever going to be able to count, but he still tries to grate out an answer.]

Look, [And he sounds exhausted and mad as hell all at once, but tries to force it into something else so he can explain, because he knows by now that a lot of you are going to have no idea what he's talking about.]

Where I'm from, HYDRA was the Nazi deep science division, before their boss basically decided Hitler and his pals were taking too damn long to take over the world and went rogue. I spent the last year trying to stop them and the Nazis with [Steve, fuck he misses him, but he's fiercely, selfishly glad he's not here right now anyway.] Cap and the Commandos. I'd cut my damn arm off before I'd ever work for them.

[... Probably not the best thing to say, considering how he'd showed up here. But there it is. They're the whole reason he's here - if that HYDRA goon hadn't gotten back up and fired on them, he wouldn't have gotten blown out of the train and died.]

I know how dumb this sounds. Believe me, I do, because it sounds like something out of a comic book, but it's what happened, and I'd still be back there taking them down if I hadn't gotten killed.

This is bullshit.

Comments

Private -- Audio

[voluntaryapnea]

[He knows what other Bucky had said and done, but it had barely registered on Stiles' radar, considering...]

You weren't yourself. This isn't the first time something like this has happened. Don't -- [Yeah, it's hard for him to tell anyone not to stress out over what they'd done under these circumstances, because he's still stressed out over what went on back home. The things that had brought him to the Barge in the first place. He gets it.]

It wasn't you. And I know that doesn't mean a lot right now, but hopefully it will at some point.

Private -- Audio

[imfollowinghim]

Yeah.

[He knows. He knows it wasn't him, that it wasn't his fault, that it's stupid to hang onto it, but he also knows it's going to take a little while for him to just shove all of this back into a corner of his mind where he can ignore it.

He just wishes it wasn't.]

I'm fine.

You make it out okay?

Private -- Audio

[voluntaryapnea]

[Stiles? Totally knows that feeling.]

Depends on your definition of okay, I guess. I'm not death tolling or anything.

[ Spam : Day After Event End ]

[warisart]

[It's not unusual for Ben to react differently to the experiences aboard the Barge than most people; his life experience is so far outside the range of what most consider normal that he has an entirely different reflex set. He hadn't been excited about the collision with the other Barge once they realized that was where they were headed, but he hadn't been as anxious about it as most people around him. He'd already lived the nightmare he was headed for. He could endure it again.

But when he comes back to himself, he spends a few hours getting his head back on straight and figuring out which is real and which he has to dismiss as fake; this, too, is easier for him than most. He has a lot of practice at it. And then he moves out into the Barge, more or less calm, to check on his people.

He watches Bucky making his passes on the Barge, listens to his speech on the network, and realizes something he hadn't had room for before: whatever else he feels about his former warden, he still cares a great deal about what happens to him. And Bucky has even fewer friends here now than he did before.

So the next day, when Bucky returns from his run, there is indeed a transgenic sitting cross-legged on the top bunk, motionless and compact and very obviously waiting for him without any apparent consideration for the fact that this is not how most people check on their friends.

Ben is not, after all, most people. Sometimes, that works in his favor.]

[ Spam : Day After Event End ]

[imfollowinghim]

[There's a fraction of a second where Bucky's surprised to see him there, and then another where he's not sure if he's pissed off or not that he'd broken in and apparently made himself at home. It's not Ben's fault, not really - he's still just angry with everything, and sort of wants to be alone right now, have time to lick his wounds in private and then figure out how to present himself to the rest of the Barge.

But he also remembers Ben more clearly than he remembers anything else about the months he'd spent here before, and so he doesn't have the heart or the will to kick him out.

Besides that, he's kind of glad to see he's alright, even if he's not really sure where the two of them stand with each other. Part of him isn't sure he didn't just dream about being here before or something, and knows if he was in Ben's shoes, he'd be pretty pissed at the guy who'd bailed on him when they'd promised they wouldn't.

So he just sighs and shuts the door behind him, running a hand through his hair before starting to unbutton his field jacket.]

I'd say "make yourself comfortable", but it kinda looks like you've already done that.

Audio - He's hid his way through this whole event, and he's still hiding now.

[thisisblacksheep]

Damn, Bucky.

Pick a side already.

Audio - dammit buddy!!

[imfollowinghim]

I did. A long time ago.

[Spam]

[neverfeltbetter]

[The firing range isn't empty when Bucky gets there. John Crichton is already inside unloading plasma blasts from his pulse pistol into the holographic targets down the range. He's not a sharp shooter by any means, but he's not missing much either.

He halts firing when he hears someone come in, and turns to see who's joined him.]

[Spam]

[imfollowinghim]

[So for the record, it seems like a really bad idea to head into the firing range with a guy who's probably pretty fucking pissed with you blasting away at targets with something that looks like a HYDRA weapon.

But he's already dead, and if Steve's an idiot about running away from a fight, well, he hadn't been alone. Besides, he has nothing to apologize for.

That wasn't him. That would never be him.

So after staring at Crichton for an awkward couple seconds - and his expression's surprised, wary, maybe a bit apologetic, but it all gets packed away under something a lot more stoic - he heads to a stall and starts methodically loading his weapon.]

[Audio]

[maced_eggs]

[A breath.

And then, overly formal:]


I don't think I care very much for you at the moment, Bucky.

[Audio]

[imfollowinghim]

Join the goddamn club, Mason.

[Note that it took a concerted effort not to say fuck off, Mason B( in that I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at everything and don't want to deal sort of way.]

private audio

[adelphoktonos]

Bullshit, but not fairytales. She was not me. How?

[You get to deal with this too, sorry.]

private audio

[imfollowinghim]

[Dealing with other people's problems >>>> dealing with his problems tbh.]

I don't know. It's something about the way this place works, I don't think anyone really gets how it works. I was a friggin' dog, once.

[Or was it a wolf? One of the two.]

[godsays]

It turned you inside out. It's all right.

[imfollowinghim]

How is this alright? What good does it do anyone?

[private]

[fridgetothefire]

My parents were both in the Nazi's death camps.

[She croaks. The toll is miserable. Which is why she's lying in bed with a carton of ice cream scrolling through the comms. She feels this is necessary prologue.]

I believe you.

[private]

[imfollowinghim]

Jesus.

[He knows more about them now thanks to his reading than he'd ever known during the war, and he sounds kind of... wrecked.

If they'd known, they'd have found a way to get them out. They would have. He would have shot every damn Nazi in the place personally if he'd had to.

But they hadn't, and he feels like maybe they let them down just as much as their countrymen had. HYDRA needed to be stopped, but so did that.

Jesus.]

I'm sorry.

spam

[patheticvillain]

[Working in the gym means avoiding Bucky would be difficult to do, even if Cassel was inclined to avoidance. These days, he's worse and worse at it, barreling head-on into things that he should stay well enough away from. And this, he might as well tie off now before the poison goes any deeper.]

[He refuses to be afraid of Bucky Barnes. He absolutely will not do it. So he stops in the middle of putting the free weights away and walks over to the punching bag, where he watches Bucky go at it for a while before interrupting.]

You got any knife skills?

spam

[imfollowinghim]

[Bucky stops when Cassel addresses him, putting out a hand to stop the bag from swinging. He's not sure where this is going, or what it has to do with anything, but similarly, Bucky is terrible about knowing when to run away from something.

He's more comfortable with a gun - far more comfortable - but sometimes you needed something that could kill quietly, that you could use to defend yourself if someone snuck up on you.

Or if you needed to sneak up on them.]

Yeah. [And then, even though he feels like he should apologize or explain himself or something first, he asks:] Why?

spam;

[forgetyourusedtobe]

[Elena often goes to the gym to let off steam with or without a mirror Barge being involved. She understands that she's a predator and that comes with some destructive tendencies. She's not like Stefan. She has a handle on her lust for blood. She's sure to eat enough and never more than necessary and the only person she'd ever dare feed on is Abigail. Even then, she prefers to drink the substitute if to avoid an accident. But still, it helps to work out some things by punching at an inanimate object.]

[So, she understands what Bucky is up to when she walks into the gym in her work-out clothes, hair tied up and out of her face when she catches the scent of blood. Elena hesitates, but approaches.]

Hey, you might want to ease up a little.

spam;

[imfollowinghim]

[It's like waking up from a dream. He pulls to a sudden stop, putting out a hand to stop the bag from swinging back and hitting him more instictively than anything else and stares at her, realizing he's completely lost track of how long he was in here and his hands and arms are practically numb.

Until his hands start smarting, and he glances down to see that yep, there is definitely a little blood spotting the wrappings around his knuckles. He'd wrapped them up specifically to avoid something like this - he's not an idiot, he knows how to protect himself from this kind of injury - but apparently he'd been going at it hard enough and long enough that it hadn't mattered.

Stupid.

He glances away, swipes a hand through his hair and lets out a huffy breath.]

Thanks.

[youwillgotohell]

That's the whole point.

[She is somewhere between angry and dull, tired but not quite sleepless enough to lose her edge yet.]

That on that Barge, we are people we could never be.

Or people we would be, if only our decisions [our destinies] were different.

[imfollowinghim]

Well, I'm not him. Nothing could've changed that.

[fireincarnate]

[She was just listening, quietly sympathetic, ready to comfort and reassure, and then -

Hydra.

The surprise is plain on her face.]

It doesn't - I know what Hydra is.

[imfollowinghim]

[Well, that makes two of him, because jeez, no one else seems to know what the hell he's talking about.]

You do?