imfollowinghim | thirty ✪ text

[Bucky's been avoiding announcing that he's back, and that he remembers. He's still uncomfortable being out in public with people staring at him, even though he has been out more than he had been when he first got back. Morgana cut his hair, and he's showering and shaving regularly, so he looks a little more like himself (except he's not wearing combat uniforms, and he's still covering up his left arm with long sleeves and a glove), but there's still something tense and on edge about him, something hollow and dead in his expression.

But something about Arthas' announcement, his manifesto, that because he's been wronged he's allowed to take this ship and everyone on it down with him makes something stir in him, something that sounds like Zola's saw and the hiss of the cryo pod and Pierce slapping him in the face, and it's hot and cold and angry, and he doesn't want to keep hiding. But he also doesn't know how to reconcile the idea that this is happening because wardens failed, because the system failed, and those people are long gone.

There's a lot he should probably say about himself, too, but Steve's already covered it. Everyone knows what happened, and there's a part of him that's still angry about that.]

i'm back. dillon and jean made me remember.

i'm still a warden. [Even if he's not sure he should be.] it's been a long time, for me.

[A really, really long time.]

[Filtered to Mickey, Jimmy, Stiles, Kira, Mason, Ben, Lydia, and Motorcycle Boy]

sorry.

[For not remembering, or weirding them out. He probably owes them more of an explanation as well, but he can't find the words of it any more than he could for the rest of the ship.]

[Private to Dillon and Jean]

thanks.

[Warden Filter]

who's taking responsibility for arthas?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

No.

But you know Howard.

[You do now, anyway. Again? Whichever.]

It doesn't surprise me that HYDRA wanted him dead.

[Or that it took their best to do it. But he's not going to say that.]

That doesn't make it your fault.

[Does it? Again, Bucky doesn't know what to do with that. Not at all. He wants to say he should have fought back harder, that he could have done more to get away, he thinks - Christ, he remembers telling Pierce he knew Steve now, what it had felt like being slapped in the face before he'd said anything, how he'd just leaned back and let them wipe him instead of fighting his way out.]

i've killed a lot of people.

So have I.

[It's different. Steve knows it's different. But he doesn't know what else to say. He can't say those people don't matter - of course they do. And he can't keep Bucky from feeling guilty, or even say that it's wrong for him to feel that way.

He just doesn't want that guilt to destroy his best friend. A good man. Because that's what he is, or he wouldn't feel guilt at all. He'd be like HYDRA. And he's not.

And if Steve ever meets anyone in HYDRA directly involved with the Winter Soldier project again... he might kill a few more.]

[It's not a surprise. Bucky was there for most of Steve's war - almost all of the dangerous parts, anyway - and so he knows. But it still hurts to hear, to be reminded that he's not the only one who's kind of had that innocence stripped from him. They're not the kids they used to be.

But at least Steve's not like him. Thank God.]

be careful.

[He doesn't expect Bucky to be surprised - or, really, to even respond to it, so it's okay when he doesn't. It's just, Steve knows they're not the same, it's stupid to pretend they are.

But Bucky's not alone, and it's stupid to let him keep thinking that, too. Steve can do his best to leave him alone, but he can't help but point out that he's here, and he's not some naive little kid, and he's prepared and able to hear anything Bucky might want - or need - to tell him.]

I will. I promise.

[Normally he'd make some joke, but he knows agreement - and keeping his word - is what will make Bucky feel best here. So it's not hard to do at all.]

[It does help him relax, even if it's just a little. He knows Steve's definition of careful is pretty fucking flawed, but at least he's taking it seriously enough to not brush him off with a comment about how he's always careful.

Bucky still remembers one very painfully specific time where he wasn't, and it's why he can't bring himself to look at him, except when Steve's not looking himself.]

good.

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