imfollowinghim | thirty ✪ text

[Bucky's been avoiding announcing that he's back, and that he remembers. He's still uncomfortable being out in public with people staring at him, even though he has been out more than he had been when he first got back. Morgana cut his hair, and he's showering and shaving regularly, so he looks a little more like himself (except he's not wearing combat uniforms, and he's still covering up his left arm with long sleeves and a glove), but there's still something tense and on edge about him, something hollow and dead in his expression.

But something about Arthas' announcement, his manifesto, that because he's been wronged he's allowed to take this ship and everyone on it down with him makes something stir in him, something that sounds like Zola's saw and the hiss of the cryo pod and Pierce slapping him in the face, and it's hot and cold and angry, and he doesn't want to keep hiding. But he also doesn't know how to reconcile the idea that this is happening because wardens failed, because the system failed, and those people are long gone.

There's a lot he should probably say about himself, too, but Steve's already covered it. Everyone knows what happened, and there's a part of him that's still angry about that.]

i'm back. dillon and jean made me remember.

i'm still a warden. [Even if he's not sure he should be.] it's been a long time, for me.

[A really, really long time.]

[Filtered to Mickey, Jimmy, Stiles, Kira, Mason, Ben, Lydia, and Motorcycle Boy]

sorry.

[For not remembering, or weirding them out. He probably owes them more of an explanation as well, but he can't find the words of it any more than he could for the rest of the ship.]

[Private to Dillon and Jean]

thanks.

[Warden Filter]

who's taking responsibility for arthas?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Steve stares at the screen, and probably writes this message and deletes it at least five times before he finally just hits send.]

Of course you are.

[A warden, stupid.]

[Bucky's not sure what to say to that - not with anyone, but even less so with Steve - so after a long pause, he just ignores it.]

are you affected by what's going on?

["Do you have Admiral powers", he means.]

[Steve's not really expecting a reply at all - he doesn't need acknowledgement of what he said, in either case. It's true, and it will always be true.]

Not as far as I can tell.

You?

no.

[He's relieved. He doesn't want Steve caught up in it, even if it's likely he might be anyway, if things go bad.

And they usually do.]

[That's a relief, too. Steve still can't shake the feeling that Bucky is capable of doing something stupid - to himself - if he felt he deserved it.

He wants to ask a hundred things, but he promised to give Bucky space, and making him face things he doesn't want to face isn't doing that. So instead,] Watch your back, though. Whatever's going on, it's not just limited to wardens.

[And even wardens are capable of making bad choices.

Steve also wishes he was the one watching Bucky's back. But he can't do that right now. Even if he might try, discreetly, if that's even possible.]

watch yours.

[Spoilers, Steve: Bucky will probably be 9,000% more violent against anyone who tries to put a finger on you now.]

Got a shield to cover it and everything, just in case.

[Translation: Steve is shitty at watching his own back but for you, he'll try.]

[Actually...

The question comes a while later, like he's not sure if he should engage at all, and he kind of doesn't, but at the same time, of course he does. He can't not.]

how did you find it?

[After it fell in the river.]

[Honestly, that Bucky's willing to ask seems like a good thing.]

Stark.

I think he likes me owing him one.

[That, and even Tony hadn't wanted HYDRA to get their hands on it. Or the Stark tech powering the helicarriers and the stealth equipment.]

[There's a very, very long pause in between Steve's answer and Bucky's response.

Honestly, he's sorry he asked.]

i killed his parents.

[He killed Howard and his wife. He'd liked Howard a lot.]

[And maybe it's better this is over text, because all the color drains out of Steve's face, just reading that simple sentence.

Bucky -

It takes a minute to write him back - but not much more than that, because Steve's aware of what too long a pause might insinuate.]

HYDRA killed his parents.

[A few seconds, then:]

But I'm sure he'd be happy to let you owe him one, too, if you wanted to.

[It's a stupid, horrible joke. But maybe that's what Bucky needs.]

[It's another long time before Bucky writes anything back, uncertain what to do with the insistence that it wasn't really him, just HYDRA, and some part of him knows that's true, because he wouldn't have killed Howard if he had a choice, but... he remembers it. He was still responsible, he should have broken through the programming sooner.

And he's really not sure what to do with the joke.]

did you know already?

No.

But you know Howard.

[You do now, anyway. Again? Whichever.]

It doesn't surprise me that HYDRA wanted him dead.

[Or that it took their best to do it. But he's not going to say that.]

That doesn't make it your fault.

[Does it? Again, Bucky doesn't know what to do with that. Not at all. He wants to say he should have fought back harder, that he could have done more to get away, he thinks - Christ, he remembers telling Pierce he knew Steve now, what it had felt like being slapped in the face before he'd said anything, how he'd just leaned back and let them wipe him instead of fighting his way out.]

i've killed a lot of people.

So have I.

[It's different. Steve knows it's different. But he doesn't know what else to say. He can't say those people don't matter - of course they do. And he can't keep Bucky from feeling guilty, or even say that it's wrong for him to feel that way.

He just doesn't want that guilt to destroy his best friend. A good man. Because that's what he is, or he wouldn't feel guilt at all. He'd be like HYDRA. And he's not.

And if Steve ever meets anyone in HYDRA directly involved with the Winter Soldier project again... he might kill a few more.]

[It's not a surprise. Bucky was there for most of Steve's war - almost all of the dangerous parts, anyway - and so he knows. But it still hurts to hear, to be reminded that he's not the only one who's kind of had that innocence stripped from him. They're not the kids they used to be.

But at least Steve's not like him. Thank God.]

be careful.

[He doesn't expect Bucky to be surprised - or, really, to even respond to it, so it's okay when he doesn't. It's just, Steve knows they're not the same, it's stupid to pretend they are.

But Bucky's not alone, and it's stupid to let him keep thinking that, too. Steve can do his best to leave him alone, but he can't help but point out that he's here, and he's not some naive little kid, and he's prepared and able to hear anything Bucky might want - or need - to tell him.]

I will. I promise.

[Normally he'd make some joke, but he knows agreement - and keeping his word - is what will make Bucky feel best here. So it's not hard to do at all.]

[It does help him relax, even if it's just a little. He knows Steve's definition of careful is pretty fucking flawed, but at least he's taking it seriously enough to not brush him off with a comment about how he's always careful.

Bucky still remembers one very painfully specific time where he wasn't, and it's why he can't bring himself to look at him, except when Steve's not looking himself.]

good.

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