imfollowinghim | thirty ✪ text

[Bucky's been avoiding announcing that he's back, and that he remembers. He's still uncomfortable being out in public with people staring at him, even though he has been out more than he had been when he first got back. Morgana cut his hair, and he's showering and shaving regularly, so he looks a little more like himself (except he's not wearing combat uniforms, and he's still covering up his left arm with long sleeves and a glove), but there's still something tense and on edge about him, something hollow and dead in his expression.

But something about Arthas' announcement, his manifesto, that because he's been wronged he's allowed to take this ship and everyone on it down with him makes something stir in him, something that sounds like Zola's saw and the hiss of the cryo pod and Pierce slapping him in the face, and it's hot and cold and angry, and he doesn't want to keep hiding. But he also doesn't know how to reconcile the idea that this is happening because wardens failed, because the system failed, and those people are long gone.

There's a lot he should probably say about himself, too, but Steve's already covered it. Everyone knows what happened, and there's a part of him that's still angry about that.]

i'm back. dillon and jean made me remember.

i'm still a warden. [Even if he's not sure he should be.] it's been a long time, for me.

[A really, really long time.]

[Filtered to Mickey, Jimmy, Stiles, Kira, Mason, Ben, Lydia, and Motorcycle Boy]

sorry.

[For not remembering, or weirding them out. He probably owes them more of an explanation as well, but he can't find the words of it any more than he could for the rest of the ship.]

[Private to Dillon and Jean]

thanks.

[Warden Filter]

who's taking responsibility for arthas?

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

no, i didn't.

[Ben had a choice. Manticore wanted him to think he didn't, that none of them did, and he didn't have any other choices that would have allowed him to do much differently, but he did have some choices. This is what he's had to learn, here. How to live with the responsibility that comes with free agency, how to live as a victim that is no longer a victim of anyone.

No one but Bucky can know the extent of what happened to him; it is the same for Ben, no matter how anyone else tries, how many files they have on him and his life, the things he did. He is grateful for the attempts but at the end of the day, he is alone with himself. Bucky is alone with himself.

But not alone, period.]

There were reasons that you didn't. I know you. I am your friend still, and I would listen, or not, as you like. But there is no reason to blame yourself for what has happened.

I don't know. I was his temp warden. We don't get files, and he and I didn't do much talking at the time.

thanks.

[So that's a "maybe", at least.]

okay.

they sent me after steve.

It was a test.

What happened?

[There's a long silence, then, quietly:]

I still want you.

[Finally, after a couple seconds of nothing, Bucky clicks on the audio feed, because maybe this will be better for her to hear.]

I'm not going anywhere.

[It is better. The familiar tones of his voice sinks inside her like a stone in water, going deep. There's a short silence, then:]

What are you here for now?

You and Steve.

[And there was zero hesitation in answering that time.]

He doesn't blame you.

He told you what happened?

[He doesn't sound angry or affronted. Just a little confused.]

He told the ship.

[There's a disconnect here, something that doesn't quite sit right. Her confusion mirrors his, not extreme but definitely there.]

Did he tell it all?

No.

[And the guilt is so, so obvious as he continues.]

HYDRA sent me to kill him. I would have, but he broke through the brainwashing enough that I hesitated.

[There's a moment where she says nothing, simply because the memory of crouching over Sarah sprawled on her back, knees digging into the sharp gravel, the blossoming something that had made her hesitate before she even knew her sestra's name-- The parallel almost takes her breath away.]

They should have known better. They should have known not to send you.

[That's right. Helena had felt it, too, sensed some important connection to her target and stopped. If nothing else, it's something they should both count their blessings for, that someone else hadn't been sent after Sarah and Steve.]

Good thing they screwed up.

[She smiles, then, even though he can't see it over audio. It's not a nice smile at all, not a happy one.]

Yes. It is good.

Did they know Sarah was your sister when they sent you?

No. I was an only child when Tomas took me. He never knew.

Weird how you can just tell.

He doesn't blame you. [She repeats it, firmer this time.]

Have you talked to him?

[This isn't him asking confirmation about if Steve blames him, because he knows he doesn't. Even if he should.]

Yes. [Well...] Before you came back.

How was he?

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