imfollowinghim | thirty ✪ text

[Bucky's been avoiding announcing that he's back, and that he remembers. He's still uncomfortable being out in public with people staring at him, even though he has been out more than he had been when he first got back. Morgana cut his hair, and he's showering and shaving regularly, so he looks a little more like himself (except he's not wearing combat uniforms, and he's still covering up his left arm with long sleeves and a glove), but there's still something tense and on edge about him, something hollow and dead in his expression.

But something about Arthas' announcement, his manifesto, that because he's been wronged he's allowed to take this ship and everyone on it down with him makes something stir in him, something that sounds like Zola's saw and the hiss of the cryo pod and Pierce slapping him in the face, and it's hot and cold and angry, and he doesn't want to keep hiding. But he also doesn't know how to reconcile the idea that this is happening because wardens failed, because the system failed, and those people are long gone.

There's a lot he should probably say about himself, too, but Steve's already covered it. Everyone knows what happened, and there's a part of him that's still angry about that.]

i'm back. dillon and jean made me remember.

i'm still a warden. [Even if he's not sure he should be.] it's been a long time, for me.

[A really, really long time.]

[Filtered to Mickey, Jimmy, Stiles, Kira, Mason, Ben, Lydia, and Motorcycle Boy]

sorry.

[For not remembering, or weirding them out. He probably owes them more of an explanation as well, but he can't find the words of it any more than he could for the rest of the ship.]

[Private to Dillon and Jean]

thanks.

[Warden Filter]

who's taking responsibility for arthas?

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

Did they? that was nice of 'em.

What the fuck happened to you, mate?

And what the fuck happened?

did you see any of it?

[It does help him relax, even if it's just a little. He knows Steve's definition of careful is pretty fucking flawed, but at least he's taking it seriously enough to not brush him off with a comment about how he's always careful.

Bucky still remembers one very painfully specific time where he wasn't, and it's why he can't bring himself to look at him, except when Steve's not looking himself.]

good.

i was taken prisoner by hydra and they fried my brain until i couldn't remember anything except what they told me to do.

steve told everyone.

[Which is really the only reason why he's being this honest about it.]

good.


you know in cartoons when someone crashes through a wall, and the empty space is exactly the shape of their silhouette?

i can see that, the shape of the damage, what must have caused it

more or less

but not exactly how it was

[That's all true - Bucky does know that. He just also knows that Ben doesn't know everything that happened to him, that there's no way he gets the full extent of all of it, and then there's just the fact that Ben never had a choice. Bucky can remember moments of something that could maybe have passed for clarity, where maybe if he'd fought harder, pushed more, been better-

Or he just could have given up and died. Why hadn't he done that?]

sometimes i could remember a little, when they'd leave me out for a couple weeks. i should have tried to get away.

[He'd tried once, he thinks. Hadn't worked out so well.]

he's making it sound like he was a victim in the first place, before he even got here. i wanted to know how true that was.

i didn't try to kill him.

[So that's already showing how much he's improved.]

good.

it wasn't pretty.

[He doesn't want anyone to see it, even though he feels like Jean must have gotten a lot of it. Certainly more than he'd wanted her to.]

That's good. Think he appreciates it.

[He means it, because he understands, a little- but he figures Bucky could use some levity.]

whut? Don't think I heard you right

You were taken prisoner by hydrants?

Got the worst luck in the world, Buck.

[He has no idea why Bucky is apologizing.]

You seriously don't need to apologize to me for anything.

I don't think either of us--or anyone who knows him--wants him to carry that around. Of course, every person has their own private burdens, and they should...but it's the task of friends to ease it when they can, isn't it?

probably.

hydra. they're a terrorist organization that used to be the nazi deep science division.

you think i'm trying to guilt trip him?

okay.

How are you doing?

I hope you aren't the sort of person who would do that.

I hope you're the sort of person who wants something better for him--and you, of course. But I don't know you well enough to know what you would really do.

fuck you.

Wouldn't you rather I meet you from a neutral point, rather than heaping assumptions on you about how you should be?

It doesn't mean I think you're a bad person, Bucky. I don't.

better now i know what the hell's going on.

i'm going to ask you again: what do you want?

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