imfollowinghim | nineteen ✪ video & spam

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nineteen ✪ video & spam

[Bucky's taken a day, and he knows a few things:

1. He's an inmate here, so no weapons, limited boost from the serum, no warden areas and no asking the Admiral for any supplies.
2. People here are just as gullible and easy to fool as they had been on the normal Barge.
3. Steve is going to be a fucking problem.

So they'll still find out who he is eventually, but he's going to try to bide his time as long as possible. He's already seen himself mentioned as unaffected on Arthas' list, and he's not surprised, but he's also feeling more than a little self satisfied. He's done his homework.

He's in his cabin when he clicks on the video feed, wearing the blue Commandos jacket just like his counterpart usually seems to and smirks a little lazily at the camera.]

I know we're steal dealing with some pretty rough shit, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't feel good to be back in my right mind again. [He's seen the conversation with the Emperor. Pathetic.]

While we're still figuring out who's who, anyone who's interested and not currently a psycho: boot camp's starting up again first thing tomorrow. You guys all know what to expect by now.

Anyone got any questions, you know how to find me.

[He's going to need to figure out a way for someone to get him into the CES...]

[Spam, September 30 - October 3]

[This is a different part from what he's had to play before, but unlike his counterpart struggling to keep up a mask of indifference to the suffering of others, this Bucky's finding it incredibly easy to pretend like he cares about these people. He smiles, makes smalltalk, delicately probes for more information, and they just spill. There haven't been too many who have looked at him with anything but trust, and those who have viewed him with suspicion apparently haven't put two and two together yet.

So Bucky seemingly goes about life as usual, even if there's something maybe a little bit off about him. He's quick to brush it off as being bitter about his trip through the door, at losing a month to being out of his mind and terrified of everything, but it's still... a little odd.

Feel free to catch him in the dining hall, the gym, heading back to his room, or conveniently carrying too many things - books, usually, but sometimes equipment for boot camp - to be able to open the lock on a warden area by himself, and if you could grab the door, he'd really appreciate it, thanks. Boot camp starts up again, and is virtually identical to the routine that people had been running before Bucky had gotten too incoherent to continue, except sometimes his motivational barbs sound more like direct insults. But that's what a drill sergeant does, right?

The only thing that's really different is that he doesn't seem to be gravitationally pulled back into orbiting around Steve as much as he usually does. They don't not spend time together, but Bucky seems off on his own for most of the day, or talking with other people like nothing's wrong. Because it isn't. Everything's fine.]

[ooc: Tags will be coming from

shieldcatchesyou! Steve is going to officially out him on Friday. :|b]

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[Steve sits back for a minute, trying to digest that. Trying to make it make sense, but he can't. How can he? How can anything about it make sense, when there's some world where he works for HYDRA - where it's what he lives for, and it's the reason they got ahold of Bucky over there, too.

He feels sick. He's not hungry anymore, even starting to push his plate away when Bucky lets that last question drop.

His mouth opens. He doesn't even know what to say, how to answer that - and he doesn't realize that his reaction might be an answer in and of itself.

Of course, that does depend on how Bucky interprets it.]

No -

[Not like Steve is, but... The answer he gives is a lie, and he knows it. There was a second serum. And all those tests, all those injections kept him alive, after the fall. Through every cryo-sleep.

Probably through all of Zola's torture, as well.

But he can't tell this Bucky that, any more than he can tell his Bucky.

And yet, now he's curious, now he needs to know more, because maybe, somehow, it can help him understand what happened to his best friend, just a little better.]

You are?

[Any guilt he feels (and there's not a lot of it, because he's so blatantly obviously not Kap and it's not like Bucky would care if he was hurting that guy's feelings anyway, right?) gets pushed aside almost before it can register as Steve pushes the plate back and then suddenly looks like he's about to throw up.

The reaction's completely not what he expected, because he seems so upset, and he's pretty sure the last time he saw his Steve Rogers like that was back when they were kids, when Steve was sixteen but still looked nine and found out that his protector was abandoning him. Like his world was kind of falling apart, because Bucky might have been a shitty friend (they were never friends), but at least he'd been there. And then he wasn't.

And then the next time he'd seen him, Steve had been like a cardboard cut out. He's been like that ever since.

But this Steve still cares, and there's some sick satisfaction in that, that he (or some version of him) still matters to someone, and so he sees Steve's walking wounded and digs in a little deeper.]

Yeah. [Bucky's mouth twists into a grin, and it's bitter and angry, but also more than a little pleased with himself. His breakfast's getting ignored too, because this is a lot more satisfying.] You didn't mention how bad it hurt.

[Steve seems upset because he is upset - he hates so much about what's happened to Bucky back home, and hearing that it was the same for this Bucky, whether a little or a lot, just makes his guilt feel doubly as heavy. Whatever happened to this Bucky, it was partly his fault - his Steve's fault, but it feels the same - and seeing history mirror itself in the same way... he's starting to understand why they call it the Mirror Barge. And just why it's so awful.

Steve's mouth twitches at that, maybe because he's not sure if he should laugh or cry or grimace or try to smile. His eyes flicker up to Bucky, and at least try to stay there, not look away.] It was two minutes.

[Two minutes that felt like a lifetime. Two minutes that he remembers in extreme detail and sort of wishes he couldn't, but at the same time, it's two minutes he wouldn't trade for much.

Some things, though... lately, some things almost feel like they might be worth having a regret or two.

Not that he can change it. And because he can't, he knows that those two minutes were a far, far better deal than the torture Bucky went through.] They didn't - what did they do to you? [Was it the same? Two minutes of hell, or hours and days and maybe even weeks or months or years of experiments on a table?]

[Two minutes. It felt like a lot longer, even if the end result had been kind of worth it, if a lot less impressive and shocking in terms of the before and after picture. He'd already been strong and healthy and tall, the serum just sharpened the edges on an already dangerous weapon.

And Bucky likes being a super soldier, and it's annoying now to feel the Admiral putting limitations on him. He feels human in a way he hadn't in a while, and he can deal with it, but it chafes on him all the same.

So he doesn't really understand why Steve's this upset about the whole thing, because Steve doesn't seem fucked up by what they did to him, and even if it had hurt, even if it was unpleasant, he doesn't think he'd be this upset if his Bucky had chosen to do this.

Or something like it, anyway. Steve had said his Bucky wasn't a super soldier.]

I think the better question is what did they do to him?

[And now he's moving in for the kill, because Steve's making it too easy, and this is maybe something he's been sitting on for a while, anyway:]

Did you get him killed, too?

[It doesn't really answer Steve's question - he still doesn't know what happened to this Bucky, or why, or what kind of super soldier he is. If he went through torture, if it was willingly or not, or if all he had to endure were those endless two minutes of feeling like your body was being ripped to pieces and then put back together again.

It takes him a minute to answer, partly because the memory hurts, and partly because he has to be careful about what he says.]

Zola tortured him. In Italy, before I could get there.

[Short and sweet. And the truth, if not all of it. But if he thought that question was hard to answer, the next really knocks him for a loop.]

I - [He stutters, then stops. It's not really a complicated question. All it needs is a yes or no, but Steve honestly doesn't know what to say. How to answer it. Because the truthful answer is "no," after all - but he's supposed to be playing along with the idea that the answer is "yes," here. Either way, the answer carries with it about six metric tons of guilt and the reminder that he's not only not a perfect soldier, he's a pretty awful friend because he should have gone back for the body and he didn't and he can never, ever explain why he didn't because he doesn't know, himself. He was in too much pain to push when the big wigs said no, but that still doesn't seem like an excuse. He's been in pain in some form or another for most of his life, and he always managed to push through. Why should that time have been any different?

So instead, after a minute of floundering, he figures... he can pull the same trick. It's not a lot easier than answering the question, honestly, but he asks one of his own:] You died?

Yeah. [The smile fades, and then vanishes briefly, because he knows he's dead. But then he shrugs and continues as if nothing had happened.]

Showed up on board with most of my arm ripped off.

[And some pretty bad burns from the explosion, but he'd gotten lucky and gotten some help. Which is great, because he kind of likes having functional arms, thanks.

The smile forces its way back onto his face, and this time, there's that anger, that challenge back in them again, because this is the first time he's had a captive audience on the subject with someone who actually seems like they care, and maybe he's lashing out a little.]

But hey, the mission's the only thing that matters, right? [That's... definitely a little bitter. More than a little bitter.

He still believes in what HYDRA wants for the world, but it's hard feeling like you died for nothing. Or like you don't actually get to enjoy any of the benefits of what you'd died for, or like you don't matter and never did.]

[Steve winces at that - he can't help it.

(And suddenly, he can't help wondering how his Bucky showed up -)

But this Bucky doesn't have a metal arm - he definitely would have noticed that - so he must have gotten whatever medical attention he'd needed to heal. Or maybe his serum had been better. Or a hundred other things, and Steve wants to ask but the way that smile faded, even just for a second, is enough to tell him he shouldn't.

Except he just looks sick all over again at Bucky's second snide remark, because things might somehow be different, but they also sound so much the same that it's dizzying and terrifying all at once. And part of it makes him mad - mad enough that the hurt look manages to morph, just a little, into anger on his face, and his voice is steady when he says,] That sounds like HYDRA.

And that's not how it's supposed to be. [There's so much more that matters, in life. And if he's got to teach his Bucky that, someday... well, maybe this Bucky has to learn it, too.] So your deal, then - it'd be to survive, wouldn't it?

[It's an awfully personal question, but he can't stop himself from asking it.]

[Bucky shrugs nonchalantly. If he thinks it's too personal, he answers anyway.] That's the plan.

And HYDRA won, pal. You can get idealistic all you want, but that's the way it is. [Even if he wanted to change - and he doesn't, he'd liked where he was even if he's mad as hell that no one cares that he died, that he gave everything for this dumbass cause and no one gives a shit - there's no way one person can stand up against HYDRA. Thousands had tried, and they'd paid for it.

He'd rather be a part of the winning team than get himself killed for no reason, which is maybe why this stings as much as it does.

And again:]

Why do you care? I'm not him.

In your world. [He shakes his head, and maybe looks a little pleased when he says,] They didn't win the war in mine.

[Even if he can't look too pleased, because they lost... but they didn't disappear. Far, far from it. And if they're not careful, they're going to start another war. He feels like his own world is on the brink of something terrible, and part of the only reason he's here is because he won't miss anything back there while he does this.

While he finds the answers he needs to do what needs to be done back home.

At the question, though, Steve frowns. And asks, honestly,] Why do you think you have to be him for me to care about you?

[Whether you're exactly like him or not, you're still Bucky. You're still his family. And even if you weren't any of those things - you're still a person who has been through shitty things and that deserves his attention and his concern. Otherwise he wouldn't be a good candidate for this warden job - he wouldn't be Steve Rogers.]

Because it kind of sounds like we're on opposite sides of the line.

[And because it's just strange, to think they're anything more than associates. He's never had a family, not really, even when his parents had been alive, so it's not something he's even thinking about, really. This has always been a relationship of convenience, not genuine affection, or anything close to it.]

We're not friends. And I don't think either one of us is changing their mind, so.

[He leans back in his chair, watching Steve, wondering what was different. He's never regretted anything he's done, not really, and nothing Steve says is going to change his mind. HYDRA had offered him a chance to make something of himself in a way no one else ever had, and sometimes, you've gotta break a few eggs to make an omelet.

He's mad that he's dead, and he's irritated that no one seems to care, but he still believes in what HYDRA's selling.]

We are. [Steve can't deny that, no.] But what, that doesn't make you a person worth caring for?

[He doesn't like the idea that this man holds to HYRDA ideals, that he truly believes in the world they're building. But he also can't sit here and look at that face and not care about him. It's just all sort of tangled up - and besides, if he can care about the Winter Soldier, he can care about this strange version of Bucky, too.]

Then don't be friends. But... you're not alone, is all.

[This Steve is here. And he's not exactly going anywhere. Even though he's not sure how much that's worth.] Because I don't know how long you're going to be here, before we can get you home.

[And get his Bucky back.

Honestly... he hopes it's not long. There's this ache in his gut just at the idea of thinking about Bucky being over there. And he can't help but ask,] How much danger is he in, there?

[Bucky smirks again, because he can't believe this is real. You're unreal, Steve Rogers, because yeah, that does make him a person that's not worth caring for if you've got any sense in your head.

(He shouldn't be reminded of the kid he left behind a million years ago, but he kind of is, and it's strange and lousy, and easy to feel some sense of pleasure from digging under and in.)]

If he's smart - if he's even over there - [Because we don't know for sure, really, anything could be happening. If we're really getting existential, maybe none of this is really happening, it's all just a giant flood or group hallucination or who knows what.] He's got Cassel who's kinda pissed because I ratted out your him last time he was planning some sabotage bullshit. Otherwise, he should be fine.

[More or less.

But.]

If he's a dumbass who doesn't know when to keep his head down, he might already be dead.

[Maybe it's not smart to care about the enemy, and even Steve can't do it all the time. But this isn't just any enemy. This is Bucky, and nothing can change that, no matter how terrible he is, no matter what he believes, no matter whether it's of his own volition or not.

His frown deepens, because if Bucky - and everyone else - isn't over there, he doesn't know where they could be. But somehow he can recognize that that particular barb is solely meant to unsettle him, and for once, it doesn't work.

But then he shakes his head, and maybe looks confident for the first time in this conversation.] Bucky's no dumbass. [He might not keep his head down, but he knows how to stay alive.

And even if he doesn't...] The death toll's the same on your Barge, isn't it?

[Not that he even wants to think about Bucky dying. But the idea of the death toll, as horrible as it is, is still some kind of safety net that he can't help but rely on.]

It shitted out a while ago. Before I showed up. [People were staying dead, no one was allowed to leave, the ship was practically on its last legs. Maybe the Admiral was even dying, who knows?

It was done by the time he showed up, but people were still picking up the pieces, and he knows this Barge is kind of looking a little like the one everyone had said he'd just signed up for. So.]

Seemed like it was working the way people wanted it to before we got stuck here.

[Part of him wants to ask more, demand answers, because he still doesn't get why Steve gives a shit, but that would be turning over control to Steve, and he's not doing that, so he just settles for watching him from across the table, waiting for his reaction or a cue to see where to take this next.]

[Steve can't hide the way he tenses at the first bit of information - or the way he relaxes just a hair at the second admission. He doesn't want Bucky to die, doesn't even want to entertain the notion. And the death toll has never sat well with him, for a hundred different reasons, but... it is a safety net. And he'll take anything he can get, at this point, because he can't be there watching Bucky's back and it doesn't sound like this Other Steve, whoever he is, will be doing it, either.]

He'll be fine.

[Although whether he's telling Bucky, or himself, isn't really clear.

He sits back, looking generally unhappy and still not feeling all that hungry, despite the fact that actual breakfast was hours ago now.] And what about you? You said you weren't interested in causing trouble, but I doubt you're the kind of guy to sit on his ass no matter where he is.

[He doesn't imagine you're going to let him in on a plan if you have one, but he'd like to steer you away from causing trouble if he can.] But I'm guessing you're not raring to get back to where you came from, either.

[So... he can't count on you for help, getting his best friend back?

The idea of which stings.]

[Bucky just shrugs.]

I'm not the kinda guy who's going to try and stage some breakout if it's gonna get me killed. [Even in a place where he'll come right back. He's never been interested in sticking his neck out for anything, and he's not about to start now.]

I'll be back in a couple days. If I'm not, I'm not.

[Either way, he's stuck. Either way, he's not going anywhere for a while.

The challenge is back in his eyes when he continues, and his smile's just mean.]

Believe me, I've been through a hell of a lot worse than whatever you've got planned to keep me in line.

Sounds like a pretty smart strategy to me. [If not one rooted in self-preservation, but that's not always a bad thing. Not that Steve or Bucky have ever had an overabundance of that, admittedly, but things are clearly different on the other side, and in a way, he's glad to see Bucky caring about not getting killed.

Steve tries to ignore that smile, though - he hates the way it looks on Bucky's face, it looks wrong, in a way he's never seen Bucky's face before, not even as the Winter Soldier.] I don't doubt that you have. [Not if you were willing to join HYDRA. Not if you underwent that procedure.

Not if you died.] I don't like making threats, and I don't want to have to keep you in line. I'm hoping I can count on you to do that, yourself.

[A pause, but he doesn't look away.] But I'm also hoping that if I can make things better for you, while you're here... you'll let me.

[You deserve someone in your corner. And Steve's there, whether you want him there or not.]

[Bucky shrugs, not necessarily challenging, but not really politely, either. Maybe Steve can count on him to keep himself in line, and maybe he can't. It sort of depends on where the wind's blowing.

But then Steve makes that offer, and his eyes light up. It's still not really a good look on him.]

Well, so long as you're offering... [He's never been one to turn down an opportunity like this, especially because he's seen where you live, Steve. And it's a hell of a lot nicer than where he's been staying, totally against his will.]

Why the hell is he sleeping in a supply closet?

[It's not really a reassuring answer, but Steve's starting not to expect one. It's hard, though, seeing those mannerisms from a face and body he knows so well.

Hard. But not unfamiliar, in a way. He's seen that face and body do a lot of things it shouldn't. But that doesn't mean he's going to let it stop him from trying to help, from trying to show Bucky who he can be.

The question catches him off guard for a second - although then he thinks he might sort of get the reason behind it. Or he can guess at it. He shrugs.] Familiarity, I think. We stayed in there during the war - when there was time to sleep.

[A beat.] I don't know about you, but it mostly beats the apartment we had in Brooklyn.

[That's not entirely true, although not entirely not true. But either way, there are a lot of reasons neither Bucky nor Steve have a cabin that looks like the place they used to truly call home.]

Edited 2014-10-26 01:43 (UTC)

[So, for the first time in this conversation, it's not Steve that's thrown.

It's Bucky.]

We had an apartment in Brooklyn?

[It comes out sounding more surprised than he meant it to be, because that's... different. And maybe explains a little, if it means what he thinks it does.

They'd looked out for each other, so of course he wouldn't have run away from Brooklyn as fast as possible. Of course he would've at least thought about staying behind, because this Steve couldn't have joined the army any more than he his Steve could have.]

[Steve's not quite as thrown, because part of him was expecting Bucky to make some snide comment about how they'd never lived together. What he's not quite expecting is the question, in those words - or the way it's asked.] Yeah. Ever since we were old enough to be on our own. Until the war.

[And the couple of months Steve had to spend it in it alone were not months he had liked.

He figures, then, that it's moot to ask or even point out that this Bucky, and his Steve, must not have. Instead... he can't quite help the way his mouth twists, just a little, into something resembling a nostalgic smile.] It wasn't much, and it wasn't great, but... [A shrug. It had been theirs, and they hadn't been on the streets or in one of the parks, camped out with all those other people who'd lost their homes.

And it probably doesn't even warrant saying, but he points out, anyway,] My cabin's not our old apartment, either, though.

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