imfollowinghim | thirteen ✪ voice & spam

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thirteen ✪ voice & spam

[Bucky sounds somewhere between pissed off and totally burnt out and hollow when he clicks on the comm, because boy, does he have an announcement for you.]

Helena just killed Cosima Niehaus. She jumped her in an empty cabin, she knows her from back home. Sort of.

[It's a little confusing and definitely private, so Bucky doesn't feel like getting into it on a public feed like this.]

I'm bringing Cosima to the infirmary, and I'm not putting Helena in Zero, [Because he's been down there and he's not sure how he feels about it - had he stuck Ben in there? He thinks maybe he did, and it makes him feel a little sick to his stomach - especially given Helena's been locked up before and he doesn't want her thinking this is like that.] But she's on house arrest in her room until I figure out how to get her to cut this shit out.

[Private to Ben]

Can I pick your brain about something?

[Three guesses what it's about.]

[Open Spam]

[After Bucky's brought Cosima to the infirmary and made sure Helena's still in her room, he knows he needs some space. He can't go right into talking to Helena while he's somewhere between furious and emotionally flatlining, because he's mad, but he knows this isn't entirely her fault, and he doesn't know what to do with it, or how to move forward.

Funny, but he thinks he remembers something like this happening forever ago. That might have been part of the reason he'd bothered Ben.

He's pissed. At himself, mostly, so it's easy to head down to the gym, pull off his uniform jacket, wrap his hands and start focusing on beating the shit out of a punching bag instead of thinking about anything else. He'd learned how to box young - his dad had taught him some, and then he'd learned more as he'd got older, partly out of necessity (he could earn money for winning fights, and it never hurt to know how to throw a mean punch when your best friend was hell bent on taking on every bully in New York, let alone Brooklyn) and partly because he'd just been good at it.

So he attacks the bag like he knows what he's doing, because he does, and there's something almost mechanical and vicious about it, not to mention the look on his face. The bag's not in danger of getting ripped out of the ceiling, but it still swings forcefully, maybe even a little more than it probably should.

After a while, he heads back to his room to hose himself off, and hits up the dining hall. He's changed into his Commandos jacket, and slips a couple things into his jacket pockets - an apple, a roll wrapped in a paper napkin - before heading on his way. He doesn't really have time to sit and eat enough lunch for two people today.

Because he does, after all, have two other stops he needs to make:]

[Spam for Helena]

[Once he's calmed down enough to do this the right way, instead of just scowling at her and hoping that did something marginally productive, Bucky heads back to Helena's room. It's part of the reason he'd stopped by the dining hall first, besides just being hungry - maybe the food can act as some kind of peace offering for sticking her in here in the first place.

Even if the reason it'd happened was because she killed someone.

He takes a breath before knocking on the door, just to give her a head's up someone's outside.]

It's Bucky. I'm coming in. [And then he's pushing open the door, not entirely certain of what he's stepping into.]

[Spam for Cosima]

[And after that's done, it's time for the harder part of this messy little operation: apologizing to the person your inmate attacked and killed within like, a couple hours of them showing up here in the first place.

This is made worse by the fact that it doesn't seem like she's awake when he first gets there, which means he's just. Going to awkwardly loiter around trying not to look too out of place or uncomfortable just waiting around here for signs of life or movement. Maybe he should've waited a while longer - he remembers the death toll and how bad it sucks - but he kind of feels like this shouldn't wait, even if it's just a short visit. It's not like either one of them's going anywhere for a while, although she's a little more stuck than he is.

So, hi. There's a stranger sort of awkwardly hanging around your hospital bed, wearing a uniform that might not look entirely unfamiliar to you.]

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[Options at home? It's definitely an interesting idea to her. Even if the concept of options is a strange and foreign thing she's only just starting to understand. But she glances back over at him anyway, so that's a start.]

What kind of options do you think there would be for me there, serzhant?

...I could show you. [Her tone is hesitant; not because she's worried, but because he is.]

[He is. He really is, and he feels like an idiot for doing this, but.]

Yeah, okay. [He's probably going to regret this, and his expression still communicates that fear under the set, determined look he's got going on, even though he's really, really trying to hide it, but.] When should we start?

...Are you sure? [Jean knows what fear looks like.]

And - any time you want. Any time you're comfortable.

Now. [There's zero hesitation this time.] Let's do it now.

[Let's get it over with, is what he probably means. Before he has time to really think twice about this.

If this could help Helena, he needs to do it.]

[She recognises that, too - that fierce, steadfast determination. It makes her smile, just a little.]

Okay. Do you want me to come to you?

No. [And again, zero hesitation, all fierce resolve, because he is not freaking out in a place where he can't get the hell out of there fast if he needs to, and his room isn't that.] I'll come to you.

Okay. [There's a gentle creak, as her door opens.]

[Bucky's down there a minute or two later, still looking somewhere between fiercely determined and incredibly uncomfortable. He's in his Commandos uniform, and after he closes the door behind him, his hands go into his jacket pockets. He looks defensive and on edge, and he knows he probably does, but this is just how it's going to be.

Still, he doesn't just stand by the door and keep staring at her, taking a couple steps into the room instead.]

So what do I have to do?

I don't know. I mean obviously some stuff's off the table- [She's never going to be President of the United States or anything.] But you can have a life. Maybe not a normal one, but something that's better than just being some asshole's weapon.

[Well. This is going a lot differently from how he'd expected it to. Bucky can guess what he'd be like if he was in her shoes - scared (but trying not to be) and angry, and pretty unwilling to be remotely forgiving towards the person who'd attacked him - and instead she's basically saying she forgives Helena. That's... pretty incredible, actually.

And Bucky wants to focus on that, really, he does. They should talk about this, but then she starts coughing, and the noise tears at him (a lot) a little. Cosima's quick with the kleenex, but the cough had been wet and painful sounding, and - as gross as it is, and he's not sure if it's just because he's been around it a lot or what - he can smell the blood, and it makes him tense up even more.

It makes him think of Sarah, Steve's mom, back when she'd gotten sick. Really sick, and he doesn't know if this is TB or what, but watching people struggle with illness has always scared him, even if he won't admit it.

Fortunately, he catches himself and tucks that immediate concern behind a mask of nonchalance, like they really are just having a normal conversation. About someone who's identical to her murdering her on her first day on an interdimensional ship of the damned.

So maybe not that normal.]

Thanks. For saying that. I know I definitely wouldn't've held it against you if you didn't want anything to do with her again after this, let alone forgiving her. [Because seriously.] I'm gonna do everything I can to make sure this doesn't happen again. [But she's hurting and sick, and talking to him isn't helping, and he knows the guilt he feels isn't necessarily rational, but it's there. This- well. He's not sure if it was a mistake, but he does know that she's in a hell of a lot of pain and apparently really, really sick, and he can't just stand here acting like he doesn't notice.]

Lemme go get one of the doctors.

Don't.

[ She sighs thinly and rubs a hand at her chest, glancing up towards Bucky definitely without a smile but still trying to regard him cheerfully nonetheless. ] Seriously. It's okay. I'm - [ she tugs at the cannula a bit, eyebrows piquing ] - kinda used to it.

[ Not all of it. She feels like she got hit by a truck. But there was that whole - death toll idea, she knew vaguely of it. Now she guessed she got to experience it. ]

I don't want to talk - talk to a doctor right now.

[ Poking and prodding. Nah. She's rather just ache it out. ] Unless you know somebody who can get me the good stuff? The morphine, huh? [ She gives a sarcastic thumbs up.

She's sobered almost immediately afterward, hand plopping back down into her lap. ]

But I do want to talk to her. [ She does smile then, only briefly and tiredly. Her breath puffs but she presses on. ] Maybe with a second pair of eyes this time.

[ When she's not going to fly across a table and kill her. ]

I need - I need to talk to her. I just, I have to.

[Jean has dragged the armchair to face her bed. She's sitting crosslegged on the rumpled sheets.

She smiles up at him as she gestures to the chair.]

First, you need to relax.

[Bucky does at the very least manage a forced smile at that, with maybe the faint traces of humor around the edges.]

That's a lot easier said than done.

[He does, however, take a seat and then lets out a breath, trying to shake off at least some of the tension.

So he's relaxed. Or as relaxed as he's likely going to get.]

[She doesn't laugh, but warm amusement shines in her eyes. He's so -

He reminds her of Scott, right now. She pushes the thought away.]

We'll start slow, okay? And if you want to stop, just tell me.

Okay. [He's doing this to help Helena. He just needs to focus on that, and he'll be fine.

There's still the urge to curl his hands into fists, though. Not to lash out or anything, but that's a smaller gesture than hunching in on himself or something.

And he thinks he does trust her, anyway.] I'm ready.

All right.

[ He's not offended or upset. It's a stressful time, when your inmate has done something like this for the first time. Zane himself can get pretty angry. ]

[That's the problem with killing. It gets easier, the more you do it, even when it's necessary.] Or because you want to, [he echoes, nodding a little. That sounds like maybe the root of the problem, right there - determining whether Helena truly wants to do this, or whether she's only been programmed to believe she does.

And determining whether there's truly a difference. He believes - knows - there must be. But he also knows how convoluted it can get, trying to find that answer. It's why he has no solution to the biggest thing weighing on his mind back home. It's why he's here.

It's almost ironic.]

Maybe she doesn't. Maybe that's what this is about - getting her to figure that out. [Steve shrugs a little. Bucky's been here longer than he has, and he's got more experience. This is his thing to solve, although like hell Steve's just going to let him flounder, if he can help.

He's also here to remind you, when you need it, that you're doing the right thing. Because he absolutely believes that. Bucky's heart is always in the right place.] Well. Just in case you needed reminding. [Because he knows Bucky would be the first in line to remind him it wasn't his fault, if something like this had happened. Even if maybe - definitely - he wouldn't be convinced.] I guess the important thing now - right now - is damage control. Make sure it doesn't happen again. Work from there. [Because just plain punishment isn't going to work, in a case like this. They both know that.]

[Her insistence doesn't really help. Bucky's used to that, too - people saying they're okay when they're desperately in need of help, but Cosima's not Steve and it's easier to count to ten, take a breath, and accept that okay. Maybe this isn't something he can fix like that.

At least she's already in the infirmary. That helps make this easier.]

Okay. [And then he forces a small smile, trying to be lighthearted.] David and Jack act like they live here, they probably know where the good stuff is.

[There's a part of him that wants to ask what's wrong, but that's personal and prying and he knows better. Mostly.

So he switches tracks, and keeping trying not to let on how hard it is to just stand here and not do too much to help.]

Sure. Yeah, we can arrange something like that. [He can probably tackle Helena if she tries anything, and he could probably ask Steve or Ben or someone to hang by and get Cosima out of there if it starts getting bad.] Might wanna wait a while, though. I remember how lousy the death toll is.

Yeah, I'm sure as hell not letting her murder Cosima every time she tries to get out of the infirmary. [Whichhh hopefully won't be a problem? He hopes?]

She didn't seem happy about it, after it happened. I don't think she really regrets it, either, but she didn't try to argue about getting punished or pretend like she didn't get why I was pissed. [] I don't know if that's enough to stop her from trying again, but at least it's better than it could have been. I guess.

[Better than her cackling about how she's glad she did it or something.

But anyway, more concretely, maybe there is sort of a way to help fix this. Bucky's just not sure it's necessarily a safe idea, if the risks outweigh the benefits, if it'll even work, but. He's kind of willing to try almost anything, at this point.]

Cosima said she was better when she last heard about her. I guess she's, you know, kind of like how you're ahead of me, but we're from the same place? [Which admittedly probably has to do with him being dead, but regardless.] She said she knows Helena can graduate, and she wants to talk to her sometime. Obviously I'm not just letting her meet one on one with someone who just killed her, but maybe it'll help if she starts realizing these other clones aren't just, I don't know. Things. They're people, too.

[And while he's pretty sure he's going through with this regardless - it's not like he's ever needed Steve's approval for anything - he does look over at him, silently prompting him to tell him what he thinks about it.] Once she's better, I think I'm gonna try to figure out a time for them to talk.

[Bond chuckles in response, adjusting his stance to better hold the bag. Bucky is definitely stronger than expected.]

You didn't.

How's your inmate?

Glad we're on the same page.

I don't think most of us do, pal.

Still on house arrest. [And the humor's dropped from his expression, replaced by a focused, not quite angry, but certainly not pleased or relaxed one instead, so I guess that's something.] Not trilled about what's going on, but I don't know if she's gonna be hunting her down the second I let her out, either.

Are they related?

[He could see the resemblance in the quick look he gave the network: he'll realize it's identical when he takes a longer look later.]

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thirteen ✪ voice & spam

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